Hey so if you haven't noticed I totally lost track of having a blog. Also I don't think anyone really reads it any more anyways as there was no cry-out for more updates so I don't really feel all that bad about not keeping up with it.
Lots has changed since the last time I wrote anything but I don't feel like playing catch up so I will just talk about what's going on now. Christmas is just around the corner. I love Christmas time and this year is no different. The only difference this year is that I have no desire to bake. This is crazy talk yo as I usually have my baking done mid-October. Here it is exactly one week until Christmas and Kiwi and I just baked some sugar cookies and chocolate chip cookies today. It was actually a lot of fun making them with him as he did the rolling of the dough and pressing of the cookie cutters. He loved it. My inner self had a few moments where I had to put myself in check because it would be so much faster if I just did it or organized the cookie cutters in a way where I could fit 10-15 on one roll out whereas when he placed them it would be successful to get 5. Yes it was more work to have him "help" but to see how excited he was and how into it he was I wouldn't trade it.
Last weekend we had some friends over that don't have family in town. It's now an annual event (as we did it last year and again this year) to have a gingerbread house decorating evening. It is so much fun. We have dinner and then the rest of the evening we spend decorating our houses. I make the kids their very own little house so they can have all the creative freedom they want on decorating and then the adult houses can be done by just that, the adults.
Brenton loves to have parties so we will be hosting another party for his co-workers this weekend. This one will be a pot-luck and it shall be fun. I am already kind of looking forward to the quietness that comes after the Christmas season. It just seems to be so busy for a week and a half straight and then breath. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing people and catching up and having no structure, however I can only handle that for so long and then I just want to curl up under a blanket at home and just be still.
Sprout is freakin' adorable. I know I am biased, I get that but today especially she just melts my heart. She woke up in a super happy smiley mood. She gave several belly laughs over the slightest thing and she played shy a few times scrunching her cheek into her shoulder. She loves to be around the action and gets quite offended if we leave her in her swing where she can't see what's going on.
This blog might go silent or I might just pick it up again in the new year. I haven't decided at this point so we'll see how the next week and a half goes. We are planning on potty training Kiwi so maybe I will have some fresh material to blog about. Until next time
Merry Christmas
Michelle
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Evacuation and False Labour
I was just coming back from the other side of the bridge (doing errands) and heading to B's Grandpa's 95th birthday party. 95!!! As I rounded the corner I saw some smoke coming from a hill near by. I said out loud to myself (well Kiwi was there so maybe I was telling him) that as soon as we parked the car I was going to call that in. It had just started. As I pulled into my parking spot the fire truck went by. Ok don't need to call that in. Went inside and enjoyed the party. Kiwi was over tired and squirrel-ee so we packed it in a bit early and headed home. As I headed home I thought….this fire just needs a little wind and it will be at our place in no time. So as soon as I got home I put Kiwi down for a nap and began packing an evac bag. My brain was going a million times a minute. See as I drove into the neighbourhood I took the long way home and at the top of the street you could see flames in the trees. So feeling a little panicked I didn't know where to start or what to pack or even if I should pack. So I started with the important things, the irreplaceable things. Photo albums, all the memory cards, the external hard drive, insurance papers, mortgage papers, etc. Then I packed a bag for us to be able to survive for 3 days. So 3 changes of clothes each, our toothbrushes etc… All the while Kiwi is still not napping because the helicopters are flying right over our house. Looking out the window they were using the lake water just across the road so every time they dipped down into it, it appeared like they were going to hit the top of our neighbours house. They were super duper close. So of course Kiwi is all into that and didn't want to nap. No biggie, just stay in your room I asked him. Well he didn't. He decided that this was a good time to figure out how to unlock the deadbolt on the front door and run outside to watch the helicopters. So while chasing him outside (because he will run out onto the street still) and coming back in to pack and then chasing him outside again I was a bit of a basket case. Finally I had our bags packed. B came home early due to the whole ordeal with some friends of ours that he works with that also live in our neighbourhood so that worked out nicely. When he got home he put the 2 suitcases into the car and did a quick video of our house and contents for insurance reasons. Then the cops came down the road and told us it was time to get out. B had been home for maybe 10 minutes at that time. Kiwi kept trying to pack his snow shovel into the trunk. We tried to explain to him that we didn't need to take that with us. I thought that part was funny.
We went to B's parents' house and stayed with them for the 3 nights that we were out of our home. How generous of them to allow us to stay with them especially since they had company coming to stay with them too that weekend. When I opened the suitcase to see what I had to wear I realized that I had packed some pre-pregnancy clothes. Um…where are the clothes that fit right now? Talk about a blond moment. I'm going to chalk it up to panic. So I had a couple of things to wear but mostly just tank tops . Umm….yeah. B's parent's were great. They looked after Kiwi while we went to register as evacuees. I'm so thankful for that because the process for registration took quite some time and I think Kiwi would not have lasted for very long in that env't. While sitting there we ran into our cousin who had just moved into that area 3 weeks prior. I gave her a welcome to the neighbourhood hug and we chatted until it was her turn to go up (she had arrived 2 hours ahead of us). For some reason she didn't want to switch numbers with us, go figure.
That night I went to bed feeling fine. At 4:50am I woke up to some pretty intense cramps. I started to time them because they seemed to be coming and going. Every 10 minutes I was getting them. They were getting a little more strong each time. I went upstairs to get some water and to sit still. I figured maybe this could stop it or at least slow it down. As I sat there and they didn't stop I was wondering do I wake anyone up? I don't want to cause panic if there's nothing to worry about. At this point I was 35 weeks pregnant. Finally they stopped and I went back to bed. They only lasted about an hour. I've been told that my surgeon doesn't want me to labour for more than an hour so when it stopped I was so happy. I told Sprout, you can't come out now, I don't even have a house to take you to, not to mention your nursery at our house hasn't even been started.
We were back in our home on Sunday evening. The first thing I did was start the dishwasher. After 3 days of sitting in there dirty I figured they would be oober stinky. I was right. Although we were out for a very short time considering how close the fire was to our home I was so grateful to be back.
We went to B's parents' house and stayed with them for the 3 nights that we were out of our home. How generous of them to allow us to stay with them especially since they had company coming to stay with them too that weekend. When I opened the suitcase to see what I had to wear I realized that I had packed some pre-pregnancy clothes. Um…where are the clothes that fit right now? Talk about a blond moment. I'm going to chalk it up to panic. So I had a couple of things to wear but mostly just tank tops . Umm….yeah. B's parent's were great. They looked after Kiwi while we went to register as evacuees. I'm so thankful for that because the process for registration took quite some time and I think Kiwi would not have lasted for very long in that env't. While sitting there we ran into our cousin who had just moved into that area 3 weeks prior. I gave her a welcome to the neighbourhood hug and we chatted until it was her turn to go up (she had arrived 2 hours ahead of us). For some reason she didn't want to switch numbers with us, go figure.
That night I went to bed feeling fine. At 4:50am I woke up to some pretty intense cramps. I started to time them because they seemed to be coming and going. Every 10 minutes I was getting them. They were getting a little more strong each time. I went upstairs to get some water and to sit still. I figured maybe this could stop it or at least slow it down. As I sat there and they didn't stop I was wondering do I wake anyone up? I don't want to cause panic if there's nothing to worry about. At this point I was 35 weeks pregnant. Finally they stopped and I went back to bed. They only lasted about an hour. I've been told that my surgeon doesn't want me to labour for more than an hour so when it stopped I was so happy. I told Sprout, you can't come out now, I don't even have a house to take you to, not to mention your nursery at our house hasn't even been started.
We were back in our home on Sunday evening. The first thing I did was start the dishwasher. After 3 days of sitting in there dirty I figured they would be oober stinky. I was right. Although we were out for a very short time considering how close the fire was to our home I was so grateful to be back.
Friday, August 01, 2014
3 weeks until due date.
Woah, again time got away from me. Ah such is life I suppose and I don't suppose it's going to slow down any time soon. I have thought about updating often but just didn't do it. I found other things took priority, such as watching "The Bachelorette" (I didn't care for this season). Anyways I"m here now so let's update shall we?
I have a scheduled c-section about a week earlier than my due date because of the vertical tear in my uterus. I had an ultrasound the other day to determine the size (which is average) and fluid levels(which are perfect) and the position of the baby. Well baby has my sense of direction is facing the wrong way so it would have been a c-section regardless of the tear being there or not. My baby is a skater boarder punk already and is in the position of doing an Ollie (legs bent up behind) and is breech. I think that's all there is to update on Sprout. Although this morning I woke up craving root beer. Um…weird. It's only 6 am. Don't' think I'm going to cave into that craving. Normally I crave cherries and watermelon (same sort of things I craved with Kiwi).
Speaking of Kiwi. For the last week he's been waking up super early. I mean I have seen a 5 as the first number on the clock every morning. I walk him back to bed tell him it's still sleep time and he goes back to sleep. I however take 1-1.5 hours to fall back asleep which is just in time for him to wake up at a reasonable time and I'm exhausted for the rest of the day.
A couple of weeks ago now we had to evacuate our home due to a forest fire. What a stressful situation. I don't recommend it. However I am incredibly thankful for the emergency workers and how calm and organized the entire ordeal felt. I think this story warrants it's own entry though so that's all I'll say about it for now.
Nesting has officially begun as of yesterday. Just really random things scream out to me that they need to be cleaned. It's like an unofficial spring cleaning is taking place. Yesterday everything got washed. The carseat covers (yes Kiwi's too), I vacuumed out one of the cars (the other one is getting done today), Did laundry (which is normal weekly duty so it doesn't really count), cleaned out inside the fridge because you know the baby will definitely judge us if it weren't clean. While I was cleaning it I was like, oooh this is a bit irrational I must be nesting. haha. Because it was such a strong urge that it must be cleaned! And you get the point….cleaning it's never ending and I'm happy it's getting done so once I'm recovering I won't have these little things sticking out to me to be done.
In the nursery B drew animals on the wall and I am painting them in. It is so relaxing and I love doing it. I do have to take a million breaks as I get fatigued rather quickly. But the room is looking super cute so far. We are keeping it gender neutral because even though the first ultrasound they told us the gender the following 2 ultrasounds they couldn't get a clear picture and it came back as inconclusive so we decided we would not tell anyone (outside of our immediate family) what the gender is supposedly in case it is wrong. So gender neutral nursery it is. We painted the walls mint green and the animals are actually dark brown silhouettes. We are doing a forest theme in this room. The other day B and I came into our room and laid on the bed and looked up and realized we have some art work above our bed that is a tree and our bedspread is tree branches/leaves. That's when B said, in all our rooms we all have some sort of tree going on. Funny I thought. Guess we're a bunch of tree lovers.
I am not looking forward to the recovery time of a c-section. People keep telling me that it won't be so bad this time because it's planned and not emergency which will help immensely. I am still sad that I won't be allowed to pick Kiwi up, and that I have to take it easy for the first couple of weeks. I'm not good at sitting still. I remember right after Kiwi was born I was sitting up in the bed to talk to some visitors we had and the nurse came in and told me to lay back down that I wasn't suppose to be sitting yet. Ugh…I just want that part of this journey to be over. Can we skip it somehow??
I am so excited that next Saturday my sister and her family come to town. I haven't seen them in person since Kiwi was born (just over 2 years ago). We have a pool party to welcome them next Sunday with some other family members and I am stoked! They will be in town for 10 days and I am so looking forward to spending time with them. I can't believe my nephew is 13 already and my niece is 9!! Seriously time is flying by.
My friend's little guy, the one who had the Berlin heart put in has just received a heart transplant and everything went very well. It's only 9 days post op and he's been released from the hospital. They are so excited and happy that they have a happy ending to their journey and that their home for the last 7 months is now a memory as they head home. It's such a bittersweet situation. You pray for a heart for the little person, but by praying for that you're praying that someone else has to suffer great loss as the heart has to come from somewhere (and at the age of the baby has to be around the same age). So really in this situation my heart is torn in two directions. Let's just focus on the rejoicing side for now though shall we(in blog world).
Well I think that's all there is to update at this point. Thank you for coming back and reading. I hope you have a great day and hopefully I'll update one more time before Sprout makes his/her appearance.
I have a scheduled c-section about a week earlier than my due date because of the vertical tear in my uterus. I had an ultrasound the other day to determine the size (which is average) and fluid levels(which are perfect) and the position of the baby. Well baby has my sense of direction is facing the wrong way so it would have been a c-section regardless of the tear being there or not. My baby is a skater boarder punk already and is in the position of doing an Ollie (legs bent up behind) and is breech. I think that's all there is to update on Sprout. Although this morning I woke up craving root beer. Um…weird. It's only 6 am. Don't' think I'm going to cave into that craving. Normally I crave cherries and watermelon (same sort of things I craved with Kiwi).
Speaking of Kiwi. For the last week he's been waking up super early. I mean I have seen a 5 as the first number on the clock every morning. I walk him back to bed tell him it's still sleep time and he goes back to sleep. I however take 1-1.5 hours to fall back asleep which is just in time for him to wake up at a reasonable time and I'm exhausted for the rest of the day.
A couple of weeks ago now we had to evacuate our home due to a forest fire. What a stressful situation. I don't recommend it. However I am incredibly thankful for the emergency workers and how calm and organized the entire ordeal felt. I think this story warrants it's own entry though so that's all I'll say about it for now.
Nesting has officially begun as of yesterday. Just really random things scream out to me that they need to be cleaned. It's like an unofficial spring cleaning is taking place. Yesterday everything got washed. The carseat covers (yes Kiwi's too), I vacuumed out one of the cars (the other one is getting done today), Did laundry (which is normal weekly duty so it doesn't really count), cleaned out inside the fridge because you know the baby will definitely judge us if it weren't clean. While I was cleaning it I was like, oooh this is a bit irrational I must be nesting. haha. Because it was such a strong urge that it must be cleaned! And you get the point….cleaning it's never ending and I'm happy it's getting done so once I'm recovering I won't have these little things sticking out to me to be done.
In the nursery B drew animals on the wall and I am painting them in. It is so relaxing and I love doing it. I do have to take a million breaks as I get fatigued rather quickly. But the room is looking super cute so far. We are keeping it gender neutral because even though the first ultrasound they told us the gender the following 2 ultrasounds they couldn't get a clear picture and it came back as inconclusive so we decided we would not tell anyone (outside of our immediate family) what the gender is supposedly in case it is wrong. So gender neutral nursery it is. We painted the walls mint green and the animals are actually dark brown silhouettes. We are doing a forest theme in this room. The other day B and I came into our room and laid on the bed and looked up and realized we have some art work above our bed that is a tree and our bedspread is tree branches/leaves. That's when B said, in all our rooms we all have some sort of tree going on. Funny I thought. Guess we're a bunch of tree lovers.
I am not looking forward to the recovery time of a c-section. People keep telling me that it won't be so bad this time because it's planned and not emergency which will help immensely. I am still sad that I won't be allowed to pick Kiwi up, and that I have to take it easy for the first couple of weeks. I'm not good at sitting still. I remember right after Kiwi was born I was sitting up in the bed to talk to some visitors we had and the nurse came in and told me to lay back down that I wasn't suppose to be sitting yet. Ugh…I just want that part of this journey to be over. Can we skip it somehow??
I am so excited that next Saturday my sister and her family come to town. I haven't seen them in person since Kiwi was born (just over 2 years ago). We have a pool party to welcome them next Sunday with some other family members and I am stoked! They will be in town for 10 days and I am so looking forward to spending time with them. I can't believe my nephew is 13 already and my niece is 9!! Seriously time is flying by.
My friend's little guy, the one who had the Berlin heart put in has just received a heart transplant and everything went very well. It's only 9 days post op and he's been released from the hospital. They are so excited and happy that they have a happy ending to their journey and that their home for the last 7 months is now a memory as they head home. It's such a bittersweet situation. You pray for a heart for the little person, but by praying for that you're praying that someone else has to suffer great loss as the heart has to come from somewhere (and at the age of the baby has to be around the same age). So really in this situation my heart is torn in two directions. Let's just focus on the rejoicing side for now though shall we(in blog world).
Well I think that's all there is to update at this point. Thank you for coming back and reading. I hope you have a great day and hopefully I'll update one more time before Sprout makes his/her appearance.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
June update
Hello. So much has changed in the last month. A month!! Isn't that crazy that it's been that long since I've updated. Oy! I'd be surprised if anyone still comes back to read this blog since it's so inconsistently updated. Any who onto something more interesting than my meaningless ramblings.
I no longer am taking care of the boys I was looking after 3 days a week. I was suppose to have them until the end of June, however their father lost his job and so they didn't need me for the remainder of the month. Also the other little boy I was taking care of randomly will also not be coming back because the school year came to a shocking finish as of tomorrow due to the teachers' walk-out/strike which will take place on Monday. So his mommy won't be needing to go to the school to help out so I will not be needed for him for the next two weeks. So as of now I am done taking care of other people's children for the remainder of my pregnancy/newborn stage.
Kiwi turned 2!!! Can you believe it? I can't! It's hard to wrap my mind around that he's a 2 year old already. I feel like the last year went by so fast. We had two birthday parties to celebrate. One with 5 of his friends and the other with our families. They were both a lot of fun, a lot of work, but a lot of fun! He had a bug themed party. He mostly enjoyed playing in the sandbox.
The last couple of days we have been attempting toilet training, so that's been "fun". Yesterday he had an accident and was completely unaware of it. Today he had 2 accidents and both times as he was peeing he realized it and started to run to the washroom. The first one he had finished peeing before he started to run, the second time he had just leaked a little bit and then finished in the potty. So we're making progress, it's slow, but it's progress!! I was planning on potty training after I was done with the boys at the end of the month, but since they are no longer coming I figured let's direct our attention towards that now. Our system that we're using right now is going and sitting on the potty every 10 minutes. Kiwi loves it because he gets a story read to him each time and the kid loves books! We might have to go and get some new to us books at the library, mostly for my sanity, you can only read the same books so many times. When he's not on the potty he runs around in his thicker than normal underwear (helps to soak up some of the leaks so it doesn't go all over the floor) and a t-shirt. This way he's able to pull his own underwear down and be successful that way. For nap and bed time I still put him in a diaper.
Another thing that's new since the last update, I went to my doctor for an appointment a couple of weeks ago now and when I was there she told me that the surgeon had brought it to her attention that I would not be a good candidate for a VBAC (a natural birth after c-section). Apparently my doctor had skimmed the report from the surgeon the last time and missed some pretty vital information. She printed off the report for me to read for myself and I'm no medical expert but I understood what it was saying. Basically when they had opened me up to get Kiwi out they discovered that my uterus had started to tear vertically along my left side leading all the way down to my cervix (beginning stages of a ruptured uterus which is not a good scenario to find yourself in). I was glad to hear that this was caught and fixed, but I was shocked, annoyed, angry, sad that I didn't find out about this until 2 years later and after I had set my mind on a VBAC and now that wasn't even an option. So I came home had a good cry, let B know and by the next day I had come to terms with it and moved on. I want sprout to come out as safe and sound and as healthy as possible and it doesn't matter how that is.
Sprout is a mover! Constantly fidgeting in there and I can hardly wait to meet him/her. However there's a lot yet to do and I am happy that there's 9 weeks left to get things done. We are going to be moving Kiwi into a big boy bed and taking the crib out of his room and giving it to his sibling. We still have to paint the nursery (we're doing green). We still have 2 weddings to go to before my due date and several birthday parties.
Well that's about all there is to report. Lots of news. I'm sure I am missing something else in there, but that's all you're going to get for now.
Oh and on my last post I had a stranger comment on my blog saying that they didn't appreciate all caps. I have no idea what you're talking about as I only have capitals at the beginning of my sentences or on names/places…etc…where's they're grammatically needed. I am sorry it offended you but I don't plan on changing they way I write.
Until next time,
Michelle
I no longer am taking care of the boys I was looking after 3 days a week. I was suppose to have them until the end of June, however their father lost his job and so they didn't need me for the remainder of the month. Also the other little boy I was taking care of randomly will also not be coming back because the school year came to a shocking finish as of tomorrow due to the teachers' walk-out/strike which will take place on Monday. So his mommy won't be needing to go to the school to help out so I will not be needed for him for the next two weeks. So as of now I am done taking care of other people's children for the remainder of my pregnancy/newborn stage.
Kiwi turned 2!!! Can you believe it? I can't! It's hard to wrap my mind around that he's a 2 year old already. I feel like the last year went by so fast. We had two birthday parties to celebrate. One with 5 of his friends and the other with our families. They were both a lot of fun, a lot of work, but a lot of fun! He had a bug themed party. He mostly enjoyed playing in the sandbox.
The last couple of days we have been attempting toilet training, so that's been "fun". Yesterday he had an accident and was completely unaware of it. Today he had 2 accidents and both times as he was peeing he realized it and started to run to the washroom. The first one he had finished peeing before he started to run, the second time he had just leaked a little bit and then finished in the potty. So we're making progress, it's slow, but it's progress!! I was planning on potty training after I was done with the boys at the end of the month, but since they are no longer coming I figured let's direct our attention towards that now. Our system that we're using right now is going and sitting on the potty every 10 minutes. Kiwi loves it because he gets a story read to him each time and the kid loves books! We might have to go and get some new to us books at the library, mostly for my sanity, you can only read the same books so many times. When he's not on the potty he runs around in his thicker than normal underwear (helps to soak up some of the leaks so it doesn't go all over the floor) and a t-shirt. This way he's able to pull his own underwear down and be successful that way. For nap and bed time I still put him in a diaper.
Another thing that's new since the last update, I went to my doctor for an appointment a couple of weeks ago now and when I was there she told me that the surgeon had brought it to her attention that I would not be a good candidate for a VBAC (a natural birth after c-section). Apparently my doctor had skimmed the report from the surgeon the last time and missed some pretty vital information. She printed off the report for me to read for myself and I'm no medical expert but I understood what it was saying. Basically when they had opened me up to get Kiwi out they discovered that my uterus had started to tear vertically along my left side leading all the way down to my cervix (beginning stages of a ruptured uterus which is not a good scenario to find yourself in). I was glad to hear that this was caught and fixed, but I was shocked, annoyed, angry, sad that I didn't find out about this until 2 years later and after I had set my mind on a VBAC and now that wasn't even an option. So I came home had a good cry, let B know and by the next day I had come to terms with it and moved on. I want sprout to come out as safe and sound and as healthy as possible and it doesn't matter how that is.
Sprout is a mover! Constantly fidgeting in there and I can hardly wait to meet him/her. However there's a lot yet to do and I am happy that there's 9 weeks left to get things done. We are going to be moving Kiwi into a big boy bed and taking the crib out of his room and giving it to his sibling. We still have to paint the nursery (we're doing green). We still have 2 weddings to go to before my due date and several birthday parties.
Well that's about all there is to report. Lots of news. I'm sure I am missing something else in there, but that's all you're going to get for now.
Oh and on my last post I had a stranger comment on my blog saying that they didn't appreciate all caps. I have no idea what you're talking about as I only have capitals at the beginning of my sentences or on names/places…etc…where's they're grammatically needed. I am sorry it offended you but I don't plan on changing they way I write.
Until next time,
Michelle
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Mother's Day
Mother's day is a day to reflect and be thankful for all the mama's in our lives. I have one very special Mom as well as a great Mother in law. I am very very thankful for their loving, kind and supportive natures. I am also thankful for the other ladies in my life that have taken on the nurturing roll as a role model in my life representing that as a Mom to turn to for support when my own Mom might not have been readily accessible. (My best friends' Mom, my young adult pastor, even one of my managers at a restuarant I worked at).
I am also aware that today can bring sadness and pain to some. For some it's a stinging reminder of losing their Mom. It may also be a crippling reminder of not yet being a mother. 3 years ago I knew this first hand. I was in my 3rd round of failed infertility treatment. I had just had a misscarriage in February and I could barely bring myself out of bed on Mother's Day. I just didn't feel I had it in me to face the day. (The hormones that they pump into you also make you feel a little crazy in the head and you almost feel out of control of your own emotions). I remember that day having to leave the service at church because I was just so upset. So on this day I want to be super sensitive to those who are struggling with the not so joyous parts of Mother's day. If that's you, I send you a virtual hug and if you even need an ear to listen please don't hesitate to call, or ask.
Happy news on this Mother's Day. 2 of my friends who have been struggling with infertility for several years (One for 5 years and the other for 9 years - those are years people not months!!) have announced that they are pregnant!!! I am over the moon excited for them.
Today I also reflect on my own kiddo. Kiwi is such a blessing in life, no words can describe it, how thankful I am to get to be his Mommy. Being a parent has its struggles at times, but it is far outweighed by the joy it brings to watch the world through a little person's eyes. I love being a momma and every bit of hardship along the way, every sacrifice, every tear (and there were a lot!) was worth it.
A picture of Kiwi and Sprout.
A very Happy Mother's Day to all the ladies in my life. I hope today is able to bring you happiness as you reflect and celebrate your Mom.
I am also aware that today can bring sadness and pain to some. For some it's a stinging reminder of losing their Mom. It may also be a crippling reminder of not yet being a mother. 3 years ago I knew this first hand. I was in my 3rd round of failed infertility treatment. I had just had a misscarriage in February and I could barely bring myself out of bed on Mother's Day. I just didn't feel I had it in me to face the day. (The hormones that they pump into you also make you feel a little crazy in the head and you almost feel out of control of your own emotions). I remember that day having to leave the service at church because I was just so upset. So on this day I want to be super sensitive to those who are struggling with the not so joyous parts of Mother's day. If that's you, I send you a virtual hug and if you even need an ear to listen please don't hesitate to call, or ask.
Happy news on this Mother's Day. 2 of my friends who have been struggling with infertility for several years (One for 5 years and the other for 9 years - those are years people not months!!) have announced that they are pregnant!!! I am over the moon excited for them.
Today I also reflect on my own kiddo. Kiwi is such a blessing in life, no words can describe it, how thankful I am to get to be his Mommy. Being a parent has its struggles at times, but it is far outweighed by the joy it brings to watch the world through a little person's eyes. I love being a momma and every bit of hardship along the way, every sacrifice, every tear (and there were a lot!) was worth it.
A picture of Kiwi and Sprout.
I may be biased but this little man captures my heart with his genuine, caring nature and smile.
(I love this picture of sprout, he/she is upside down with their hands up by their head - Wee!)
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Can you keep a secret?
Hello. Where has the time gone. The last time I posted I was 17 weeks and I seriously feel like that was just a few days ago, alas I am now 22 weeks along. Crazy sauce I tell you! Last week B and I and Kiwi went to see the baby at the ultra sound. This was to check to make sure all babies' organs were doing what they are suppose to do. I however have to go back in a months time to re-do some of the checks because baby would not hold still long enough to get a clear picture, (mostly of the heart - which is a big concern in my eyes because of some of the issues my friends and family have had as of lately with their little ones). They gave me the option of re-doing it and I chose yes just to ease my mind. We did find out the gender but we will not be revealing what it is as of yet. We want to be able to share it with our immediate family first. When we announced we were pregnant it got leaked out of the "family circle" somehow and it was crushing to me to find out others knew our secret before we got to share our own news. After telling some cousins about our news one had told us that they already knew because so and so had told them a long time ago. This made me sad to tell you the truth. I even had ladies coming up to me in church (that I had never really talked to before) congratulating me and it was like, um, thanks, who are you and who told you? I guess I'm just sensitive to it because it's something I would like to share on my own time and not have others share it for me. I try to really keep it under wraps when others tell me their news because it's their news to share and I guess I would just appreciate the same type of courtesy.
Rant over.
Today I was thinking about my grandparents. I went outside to hang the "please don't ring the bell, baby sleeping" sign on the doorbell when I looked into the flower bed. There are daffodils already open and they look so pretty. I remembered going to my grandparents' house and after each visit in the summer my Grandpa would cut us each a rose to take home. He had an amazing rose garden of at least 7 types of roses. I love this memory. It always made me feel so special.
22 week update:
Cravings: Anything sour (green apples is a favourite and pink lemonade)
Maternity wear: Not yet
Gender guess: I think boy(I'm going with my guess pre-screening we'll have to wait to see if I was right or wrong)
Mood: Extremely moody - all over the place
Sleep: Sleep insomnia - wake up to pee takes 1-2 hours to get back to sleep. (This may explain the moodiness)
Movement: Does it ever stop moving? It's one hyper active child
Different than the last time?: Yes and No. I'm not sick this time around and the baby is just as hyper as Kiwi was
Rant over.
Today I was thinking about my grandparents. I went outside to hang the "please don't ring the bell, baby sleeping" sign on the doorbell when I looked into the flower bed. There are daffodils already open and they look so pretty. I remembered going to my grandparents' house and after each visit in the summer my Grandpa would cut us each a rose to take home. He had an amazing rose garden of at least 7 types of roses. I love this memory. It always made me feel so special.
22 week update:
Cravings: Anything sour (green apples is a favourite and pink lemonade)
Maternity wear: Not yet
Gender guess: I think boy(I'm going with my guess pre-screening we'll have to wait to see if I was right or wrong)
Mood: Extremely moody - all over the place
Sleep: Sleep insomnia - wake up to pee takes 1-2 hours to get back to sleep. (This may explain the moodiness)
Movement: Does it ever stop moving? It's one hyper active child
Different than the last time?: Yes and No. I'm not sick this time around and the baby is just as hyper as Kiwi was
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Hi, it's been a while
I am 17 weeks pregnant and it still feels surreal. I think because this time around I am not sick like I was with Kiwi. With Kiwi I was sick the entire time (at least every second day). This time around the morning sickness ended at week 9. I find that at my doctor appointments my anxiety level is lowered after I hear the heartbeat but 2 weeks after my appointment my anxiety level begins to rise once again. I wonder if everything is going ok in there since I have yet to feel the baby move. But alas everything is going alright, we just heard the babies heartbeat once again last week. Ask me again in a week how I'm doing. Hopefully by then I will be feeling this little sprout move. (Update since I wrote this paragraph I have started feeling the beginning flutters of the baby moving - Yay!)
I have to say I am in love with the spring weather that has finally emerged. I don't know why but this winter seemed to drag on for what seemed to be forever. I think it was because January was so nice and spring like and then winter came back for February which was just mean. I enjoy the snow, don't get me wrong, I just don't like it returning after it's left for a month. Spoiled I know. Anyways, since spring has seemed to really sprung, Kiwi and I have been enjoying the outside every day!
Today we went to the park and there was another little boy lying on the ground having a full blown temper tantrum. Kiwi decided that he would go and join him (he's been doing this lately) and went and lied down beside him and laughed. It stopped the other little boy from crying but I was kind of embarrassed that my child seemed to be mocking this other child. After the other little boy got up Kiwi continued to get up and then throw himself on the ground, roll around and then get up and repeat. I found it really funny, as Kiwi thought this was a game. The other little boy's mom said, "see that's what you look like, doesn't it look silly". He just stared at Kiwi, and then a smile emerged.
Like I said before Kiwi's been doing this lately. It's happened a few times where his friend will lie down and cry and he'll just go and lay beside them and smile at them or laugh. Every time the other child has stopped, probably more in confusion than anything else. Since it's only helped to stop I haven't stopped him from doing it. However, the moment it escalates the behaviour I will indeed step in.
The other day I had a very strange dream. I'm going to go ahead and chalk it up to pregnancy dream. It started at a conference B and I had gone to. Instead of a speaker though everyone was to participate in improv scenarios. When the one scene was done then those actors would go and high five someone in the audience to take over their seat. Then the person to the left of you got to choose the part you would play in the next scenario. After the conference was over we decided to go out. We ended up at this club where I got very intoxicated. It was when we got home that I remembered that I was pregnant. I was so distraught and mad at myself. The next day everyone from the conference got summoned to come back. Apparently there was a diabetes outbreak and everyone had to be tested. B was getting upset with me thinking that I was afraid to poke my finger. I explained to him that I wasn't afraid to poke my finger, but didn't know where to put the blood for the test and didn't want to bleed everywhere so I was waiting for the nurse to come by so I could ask. Then I woke up. When I woke up I was so confused and I was still very upset about the drinking part of my dream. It took me about half a day to get over it. Where do these thoughts come from?? So weird!
I have to say I am in love with the spring weather that has finally emerged. I don't know why but this winter seemed to drag on for what seemed to be forever. I think it was because January was so nice and spring like and then winter came back for February which was just mean. I enjoy the snow, don't get me wrong, I just don't like it returning after it's left for a month. Spoiled I know. Anyways, since spring has seemed to really sprung, Kiwi and I have been enjoying the outside every day!
Today we went to the park and there was another little boy lying on the ground having a full blown temper tantrum. Kiwi decided that he would go and join him (he's been doing this lately) and went and lied down beside him and laughed. It stopped the other little boy from crying but I was kind of embarrassed that my child seemed to be mocking this other child. After the other little boy got up Kiwi continued to get up and then throw himself on the ground, roll around and then get up and repeat. I found it really funny, as Kiwi thought this was a game. The other little boy's mom said, "see that's what you look like, doesn't it look silly". He just stared at Kiwi, and then a smile emerged.
Like I said before Kiwi's been doing this lately. It's happened a few times where his friend will lie down and cry and he'll just go and lay beside them and smile at them or laugh. Every time the other child has stopped, probably more in confusion than anything else. Since it's only helped to stop I haven't stopped him from doing it. However, the moment it escalates the behaviour I will indeed step in.
The other day I had a very strange dream. I'm going to go ahead and chalk it up to pregnancy dream. It started at a conference B and I had gone to. Instead of a speaker though everyone was to participate in improv scenarios. When the one scene was done then those actors would go and high five someone in the audience to take over their seat. Then the person to the left of you got to choose the part you would play in the next scenario. After the conference was over we decided to go out. We ended up at this club where I got very intoxicated. It was when we got home that I remembered that I was pregnant. I was so distraught and mad at myself. The next day everyone from the conference got summoned to come back. Apparently there was a diabetes outbreak and everyone had to be tested. B was getting upset with me thinking that I was afraid to poke my finger. I explained to him that I wasn't afraid to poke my finger, but didn't know where to put the blood for the test and didn't want to bleed everywhere so I was waiting for the nurse to come by so I could ask. Then I woke up. When I woke up I was so confused and I was still very upset about the drinking part of my dream. It took me about half a day to get over it. Where do these thoughts come from?? So weird!
Monday, February 24, 2014
A week to forget
This has been a challenging week. The two little guys I take care of 3 times a week had last week off. Coming back has proven to be hard to transition back. Not only has it been hard for them to come back (different set of rules than at home) but they have had extra long days here. Instead of 7 hours they have been here 9 hours because the father's work schedule had gotten switched for this week. On Tuesday the 3.5 year old had a 40 minute melt down. 40 minutes!!!! Insane! The beginning thing was when I told him that the trains were closed for 5 minutes because they were fighting over the trains and not sharing, so they could go and find something else to play for 5 minutes. I then had to go to the loo because well that just seems to be my life these days, and when I came out of the washroom he was peeling the decals off the wall and crumpling them. I told him it's ok to be mad but it's not ok to wreck things or break things when we're mad and that now he had to have a time out for wrecking things. So he had his 3 minute time out. As soon as it was done I went over and talked to him, that's when the water works started and they didn't stop. After I was done talking with him (him still crying) I said once you're calm you can get off the chair and go play. I told him this several times. You know you have a choice, you can sit here and cry or you can go and play. It was time for a snack and I asked him if he was going to come upstairs for a snack or sit and cry? He chose to cry. I was like, really?!!? What am I missing here?? I figured that by this time he was just exhausted and done (it was 4pm and they usually go home at 3:30). Finally he stopped after 40 mins of bone chilling, eyes turning in towards my nose shrill crying. (It sounded as though someone was torturing the child yet no one was near him).
The next time they came, Thursday when they arrived he was already in hysterics because he had been trying to convince his mom to take him to the pet store to see the snakes. When she failed to meet his request (because she had to go to work) he became hysterical. And not only that but he was coming to my house (The house of rules!!!) (Seriously I don't have that many rules, we have to share, we have to take turns, no hitting, no kicking, no throwing - that's it!) So he sat on the stairs and cried, and cried, and cried. B had worked late the night before so he was still sleeping and when I came into the room to grab a pair of socks he asked what I was doing to the kid. I told him, nothing, he wants to go to the pet store. B was irritated to say the least. (This kids cry is not fun to listen to even through two closed doors!) After the little ones were done their breakfast (oh yeah did I mention that they came unfed but with breakfast in a bag) we headed down stairs. I told him he had to join us because we are a group and we have to stick together. We went into the back toy room and he continued to sit and pout for another hour and a half. Total of 2 hours from the time he arrived to the time he started playing. We went upstairs for a snack, he did not want to go upstairs so I told him he had 5 seconds to go or I would carry him up. As soon as I said 5 he was up the stairs. As soon as the kid had some food in his belly his entire demeanour changed. He was back to the happy kid I remembered! We played and had a great time. (This was another 9 hour day). By the time 4pm came again he was done. He started to play rough with the toys and I had to ask him to be more gentle or we couldn't play with them any more. He was gentle for about 2 mins and then the roughness came into play once again. I reminded him that we had to be gentle. He growled at me. Now I didn't mention this before, but he had growled at me once before in the day and I had told him that wasn't appropriate behaviour, I didn't appreciate being growled at and that he had words he can use to tell me how he feels. So once he growled at me for the second time I immediately cleaned up our activity and explained to him that growling is not acceptable and it means that our activity is over. The water works began again. I also told him that sitting and crying was not an option and that he needed to go and find something else to play. (This might seem harsh, however I didn't have it in me to take another 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 2 hours of this shrill crying any more). He immediately stopped crying and just stared at me, like can she really tell me I can't cry? Stare. He eventually found something else to play and then his dad arrived 1 hour early (Thank goodness!!!) So the water works began as soon as he saw his dad. I explained to his dad what had been going on and this next part makes my blood boil. He told him that he bought him a new toy and that it was in the car. (Kind of explained the behaviour he's dishing out, bad behaviour rewarded with new toys) I'm going to end that day with that.
Then Friday he arrived again in hysterics. Before I even opened the door I was done. I felt bad for having these feelings but honestly, this is getting ridiculous. I reluctantly opened the door. His mom apologized for this. I told her, we'll get through it. She left. Again B had worked late the night before so he was still sleeping. I explained to him that because Kiwi's dad is still sleeping we can't cry like that today, we have to be quiet. I was surprised but it worked. He stopped crying. I also told him again that sitting and crying was not an option today and that we had a lot of things we could play. I purposefully made the day's activities fun, we went to the park, we played with balloons, we pretty much had a party day. At first he still wanted nothing to do with what we were all doing, but eventually (10 mins) he gave in, we were just having way too much fun to not want to join. The rest of the day went over really great! We had a blast and when their dad came everyone had huge smiles on their faces. Back to normal I thought.
Monday, thinking we had success on Friday and that things were going to be back to normal I was actually looking forward to them coming. Then they pulled up, 10 minutes early. Again the older was in hysterics, seriously what is going on with this kid??? I opened the door, his mom said I am sorry I don't know what this is all about. In order to make him somewhat happy she carried him upstairs. He sat on the couch where she had put him down and cried, once she left he cried for 5 minutes more and then he got up and played. Later, during lunch, I asked him why he was so upset when he comes over. He told me it was because he didn't get to finish watching his show. I asked him, Do you like coming here to play? And he said yes. I told him that I feel sad when he arrives crying because it makes me feel like he doesn't want to come and play. I could see in his face that he understood this. Here's hoping Wednesday's arrival is different. If not I might have to ask his parents if they think we're the right fit for him. I don't want to be traumatizing the child, plus I don't want to take on that stress every day thank you. They also got picked up 15 minutes late. Not a big deal I know, but that is time I had set aside for Kiwi's nap time. Luckily everyone was happy and having so much fun with Kiwi's new kitchen toy.
Here I've just been focusing on the 3.5 year olds behaviour in the last week. The other two have things they need to work on too (such as sharing, grabbing) it's just that the bigger guy's behaviour/attitude has been more to deal with this week that I needed to vent it out. The little brother is very sensitive and when his brother cries he starts to cry and wants to be held. He too has a not so quiet cry. At one point during the week all 3 of them were crying at the same time. I literally stopped and laughed. It was such a gong show! I also want to say this is not how the days usually go, we usually have so much fun that the time just flies by (although I do need to have a nap most days after they go). I am sure my hormones are doing there work in there too with my frustration level at it's all time low. I just take an extra bathroom break if I need to regroup.
Until next time,
Michelle
The next time they came, Thursday when they arrived he was already in hysterics because he had been trying to convince his mom to take him to the pet store to see the snakes. When she failed to meet his request (because she had to go to work) he became hysterical. And not only that but he was coming to my house (The house of rules!!!) (Seriously I don't have that many rules, we have to share, we have to take turns, no hitting, no kicking, no throwing - that's it!) So he sat on the stairs and cried, and cried, and cried. B had worked late the night before so he was still sleeping and when I came into the room to grab a pair of socks he asked what I was doing to the kid. I told him, nothing, he wants to go to the pet store. B was irritated to say the least. (This kids cry is not fun to listen to even through two closed doors!) After the little ones were done their breakfast (oh yeah did I mention that they came unfed but with breakfast in a bag) we headed down stairs. I told him he had to join us because we are a group and we have to stick together. We went into the back toy room and he continued to sit and pout for another hour and a half. Total of 2 hours from the time he arrived to the time he started playing. We went upstairs for a snack, he did not want to go upstairs so I told him he had 5 seconds to go or I would carry him up. As soon as I said 5 he was up the stairs. As soon as the kid had some food in his belly his entire demeanour changed. He was back to the happy kid I remembered! We played and had a great time. (This was another 9 hour day). By the time 4pm came again he was done. He started to play rough with the toys and I had to ask him to be more gentle or we couldn't play with them any more. He was gentle for about 2 mins and then the roughness came into play once again. I reminded him that we had to be gentle. He growled at me. Now I didn't mention this before, but he had growled at me once before in the day and I had told him that wasn't appropriate behaviour, I didn't appreciate being growled at and that he had words he can use to tell me how he feels. So once he growled at me for the second time I immediately cleaned up our activity and explained to him that growling is not acceptable and it means that our activity is over. The water works began again. I also told him that sitting and crying was not an option and that he needed to go and find something else to play. (This might seem harsh, however I didn't have it in me to take another 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 2 hours of this shrill crying any more). He immediately stopped crying and just stared at me, like can she really tell me I can't cry? Stare. He eventually found something else to play and then his dad arrived 1 hour early (Thank goodness!!!) So the water works began as soon as he saw his dad. I explained to his dad what had been going on and this next part makes my blood boil. He told him that he bought him a new toy and that it was in the car. (Kind of explained the behaviour he's dishing out, bad behaviour rewarded with new toys) I'm going to end that day with that.
Then Friday he arrived again in hysterics. Before I even opened the door I was done. I felt bad for having these feelings but honestly, this is getting ridiculous. I reluctantly opened the door. His mom apologized for this. I told her, we'll get through it. She left. Again B had worked late the night before so he was still sleeping. I explained to him that because Kiwi's dad is still sleeping we can't cry like that today, we have to be quiet. I was surprised but it worked. He stopped crying. I also told him again that sitting and crying was not an option today and that we had a lot of things we could play. I purposefully made the day's activities fun, we went to the park, we played with balloons, we pretty much had a party day. At first he still wanted nothing to do with what we were all doing, but eventually (10 mins) he gave in, we were just having way too much fun to not want to join. The rest of the day went over really great! We had a blast and when their dad came everyone had huge smiles on their faces. Back to normal I thought.
Monday, thinking we had success on Friday and that things were going to be back to normal I was actually looking forward to them coming. Then they pulled up, 10 minutes early. Again the older was in hysterics, seriously what is going on with this kid??? I opened the door, his mom said I am sorry I don't know what this is all about. In order to make him somewhat happy she carried him upstairs. He sat on the couch where she had put him down and cried, once she left he cried for 5 minutes more and then he got up and played. Later, during lunch, I asked him why he was so upset when he comes over. He told me it was because he didn't get to finish watching his show. I asked him, Do you like coming here to play? And he said yes. I told him that I feel sad when he arrives crying because it makes me feel like he doesn't want to come and play. I could see in his face that he understood this. Here's hoping Wednesday's arrival is different. If not I might have to ask his parents if they think we're the right fit for him. I don't want to be traumatizing the child, plus I don't want to take on that stress every day thank you. They also got picked up 15 minutes late. Not a big deal I know, but that is time I had set aside for Kiwi's nap time. Luckily everyone was happy and having so much fun with Kiwi's new kitchen toy.
Here I've just been focusing on the 3.5 year olds behaviour in the last week. The other two have things they need to work on too (such as sharing, grabbing) it's just that the bigger guy's behaviour/attitude has been more to deal with this week that I needed to vent it out. The little brother is very sensitive and when his brother cries he starts to cry and wants to be held. He too has a not so quiet cry. At one point during the week all 3 of them were crying at the same time. I literally stopped and laughed. It was such a gong show! I also want to say this is not how the days usually go, we usually have so much fun that the time just flies by (although I do need to have a nap most days after they go). I am sure my hormones are doing there work in there too with my frustration level at it's all time low. I just take an extra bathroom break if I need to regroup.
Until next time,
Michelle
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Pregnancy Guilt
It's a funny thing really. When struggling with fertility issues I joined a support group online. It was a great place to go and talk and support one another because we understood each other. We got it when someone would say something insensitive and we would lift each other up on a bad day. Our group struggled through miscarriages, frustrations, failed cycle after cycle and we also celebrated when someone had gotten their dream.
Being on the other side of it is a totally different story. When you get that positive test I felt almost numb, shocked, and I didn't believe it. Another feeling that came with it surprised me. Guilt. I felt so guilty for being able to graduate the infertility issue, but what about my friends? I wanted them all to "graduate". I felt guilty because why did I get pregnant and that girl that has been waiting for 5 years still not get her prayer answered.
This time around is no different. If anything the guilt is stronger. I am pregnant again. We have our second baby on the way when some of my friends are still waiting for their first. My heart breaks for them as I know and understand the frustrations and the feelings of injustice that come with infertility. Why can that teenage girl who doesn't want to get pregnant be blessed, but the woman who is ready and wanting a baby have to struggle. It doesn't make any sense. And the more you try to make sense of it the more it doesn't.
I have someone close to me that has been trying to get pregnant for years, and as B and I were waiting in the waiting room for our ultra sound out she walked and let me know that she is expecting her first baby! I am beyond words excited for her! We had been seeing the same fertility doctor since before I got pregnant with Kiwi. I didn't have the heart to tell her that we too were expecting. I wanted to revel in her joy and excitement!
It's so weird. I remember having such judgmental thoughts in my early 20's when I would watch the Baby Story on T.V. when the women would say they had to do fertility treatment. I use to think, they just need to relax, and not stress about it and it will happen. I was so naive and so ignorant. I feel guilty about having those thoughts and I hope and pray I never said anything insensitive to someone struggling.
Another emotion that comes with infertility is anger. I don't do well with anger. I don't know how to let it out. I tend to bottle it up or ignore it. It's easier to deal with it if I don't acknowledge it. However it does show it's ugly face now and then. I don't know why but when someone announces their pregnancy and says they weren't even trying, it strikes up anger in me. I know the expected reaction is to be happy but I honestly have to say my first reaction is anger/jealousy and it is not fun. I don't want that to be my first reaction. B helps me put it in check right away. I tend to withdrawal for a bit just to get myself to a place of happiness for them. I should rephrase that, it's not that I'm not happy for them, because I really am. I just feel the unjust for those who have been waiting and trying so hard. Does this make any sense? Maybe I'm on the crazy train?! I am not elegant with my words or have the ability to clearly voice my feelings.
I have another friend who just told me that she is struggling with getting pregnant and that when she told her best friend she was not supportive of her decision to start a family because it interfered with her plans. This I don't understand. How can someone else's dreams and desires interfere with another's life plans? Shouldn't you support your best friend? I just don't understand this. And with an issue when you're struggling you seek support where ever you can find it, and I would assume my best friend would have my back and be there to rely on, to vent to. But she doesn't even want to hear about it. So my friend has turned to others to find support where she can. It just seems like an unnecessary stress to add onto the plate and a wedge in friendship. (I know this is not my issue it's just something I find to be strange).
On a happy note (and this is where I will end this post) my very close friend T is going to be having her second baby in April. She and I also went to the same fertility specialist with both our kids. As well as the same Baby doctor. I am so very excited to be pregnant at the same time as her and our seconds will be only a few months apart. (Our firsts are a year apart and they get along so well and we love it!)
Until next time,
Michelle
Being on the other side of it is a totally different story. When you get that positive test I felt almost numb, shocked, and I didn't believe it. Another feeling that came with it surprised me. Guilt. I felt so guilty for being able to graduate the infertility issue, but what about my friends? I wanted them all to "graduate". I felt guilty because why did I get pregnant and that girl that has been waiting for 5 years still not get her prayer answered.
This time around is no different. If anything the guilt is stronger. I am pregnant again. We have our second baby on the way when some of my friends are still waiting for their first. My heart breaks for them as I know and understand the frustrations and the feelings of injustice that come with infertility. Why can that teenage girl who doesn't want to get pregnant be blessed, but the woman who is ready and wanting a baby have to struggle. It doesn't make any sense. And the more you try to make sense of it the more it doesn't.
I have someone close to me that has been trying to get pregnant for years, and as B and I were waiting in the waiting room for our ultra sound out she walked and let me know that she is expecting her first baby! I am beyond words excited for her! We had been seeing the same fertility doctor since before I got pregnant with Kiwi. I didn't have the heart to tell her that we too were expecting. I wanted to revel in her joy and excitement!
It's so weird. I remember having such judgmental thoughts in my early 20's when I would watch the Baby Story on T.V. when the women would say they had to do fertility treatment. I use to think, they just need to relax, and not stress about it and it will happen. I was so naive and so ignorant. I feel guilty about having those thoughts and I hope and pray I never said anything insensitive to someone struggling.
Another emotion that comes with infertility is anger. I don't do well with anger. I don't know how to let it out. I tend to bottle it up or ignore it. It's easier to deal with it if I don't acknowledge it. However it does show it's ugly face now and then. I don't know why but when someone announces their pregnancy and says they weren't even trying, it strikes up anger in me. I know the expected reaction is to be happy but I honestly have to say my first reaction is anger/jealousy and it is not fun. I don't want that to be my first reaction. B helps me put it in check right away. I tend to withdrawal for a bit just to get myself to a place of happiness for them. I should rephrase that, it's not that I'm not happy for them, because I really am. I just feel the unjust for those who have been waiting and trying so hard. Does this make any sense? Maybe I'm on the crazy train?! I am not elegant with my words or have the ability to clearly voice my feelings.
I have another friend who just told me that she is struggling with getting pregnant and that when she told her best friend she was not supportive of her decision to start a family because it interfered with her plans. This I don't understand. How can someone else's dreams and desires interfere with another's life plans? Shouldn't you support your best friend? I just don't understand this. And with an issue when you're struggling you seek support where ever you can find it, and I would assume my best friend would have my back and be there to rely on, to vent to. But she doesn't even want to hear about it. So my friend has turned to others to find support where she can. It just seems like an unnecessary stress to add onto the plate and a wedge in friendship. (I know this is not my issue it's just something I find to be strange).
On a happy note (and this is where I will end this post) my very close friend T is going to be having her second baby in April. She and I also went to the same fertility specialist with both our kids. As well as the same Baby doctor. I am so very excited to be pregnant at the same time as her and our seconds will be only a few months apart. (Our firsts are a year apart and they get along so well and we love it!)
Until next time,
Michelle
Sunday, February 16, 2014
The emotional rollercoaster, hold on tight!
This pregnancy has been more of an emotional roller coaster than when I was pregnant with Kiwi. I'm serious when I say anything can set off the water works. A commercial, a thought, when I stub my toe. I find it to be so weird because my mind will say this is crazy why are you crying? And my eyes will say shut up, it's time to leak!
The mood swings are very apparent this time around as well. I'm not just crying but getting grumpy over nothing. In my mind I know it's crazy to get upset over something so small, yet I just can't seem to let it go. This makes me feel like I'm losing my mind, or at least my self control. Don't worry, I don't act out on my anger/grumpiness, I just tend to voice it out or put myself in a time out until I can regain control of myself.
I'm also finding myself so much more exhausted this time around. Maybe it's because I have a toddler that I'm running after all day long (not to mention the extra 2 I take in 3 times a week). I find by 8pm I am so ready to go to bed. My eyes start closing on their own and I can't seem to fight it. However, I try because I really want some quiet time, time to unwind. I know sleep seems like the ultimate unwind time, but it some how feels like being robbed of free time if you just sleep it away. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm talking nonsense.
I had a dream last night that I just remembered about just now. I had a dream that I won a year supply of slurpees. It was an amazing dream and I really wish that one would come true. I love slurpees!!!
The mood swings are very apparent this time around as well. I'm not just crying but getting grumpy over nothing. In my mind I know it's crazy to get upset over something so small, yet I just can't seem to let it go. This makes me feel like I'm losing my mind, or at least my self control. Don't worry, I don't act out on my anger/grumpiness, I just tend to voice it out or put myself in a time out until I can regain control of myself.
I'm also finding myself so much more exhausted this time around. Maybe it's because I have a toddler that I'm running after all day long (not to mention the extra 2 I take in 3 times a week). I find by 8pm I am so ready to go to bed. My eyes start closing on their own and I can't seem to fight it. However, I try because I really want some quiet time, time to unwind. I know sleep seems like the ultimate unwind time, but it some how feels like being robbed of free time if you just sleep it away. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm talking nonsense.
I had a dream last night that I just remembered about just now. I had a dream that I won a year supply of slurpees. It was an amazing dream and I really wish that one would come true. I love slurpees!!!
Friday, February 14, 2014
A little Christmas Cheer 2 months later
Hello. This post is being written in December but most likely won't be posted until February. So if it sounds outdated that is why.
Two Monday's ago (Dec 9) I had a massage appointment booked. I always take a pregnancy test before I go just in case because if I am she isn't suppose to go as deep in my lower back. Anyways, I took one not expecting anything to be there because well we just didn't put too much energy into trying this month because of a vacation we were on. I came back at the 4 minute mark and there it was, a second line. I was shocked. I didn't even react. I just stood there and stared at it and then figured that it was my eyes playing tricks on me, or because it was so light it was an evaporation line or something. I tried to explain it away not allowing myself to get my hopes up. So I did what any normal person would do. I took another test. Again a second line showed up. Still not allowing myself to believe what I was seeing I called my specialist who set up a blood test for that afternoon. I went to my massage appointment and told her "There's a possibility I might be pregnant". She was so happy for me, I still in shock said, it's not for sure yet.
The next day I got the call from the specialists office and they told me that in fact I have the pregnancy hormone in my body but would like to do another blood test in a few days to make sure the number is going up because at this point the number is really low. She said it could be because I was very very early along. So on Thursday I went for a blood test as soon as they opened so I could get the results that afternoon. When the nurse called she said that they like to see the number reach between a 60-100 by that time and that my number had reached 141. So things were on track but they still wanted to recheck it on Monday. So again, first thing Monday morning I went and got my blood drawn (I seriously had a bruise on my elbow from where I kept getting poked) and that afternoon they still hadn't called. So I called them, I was just so curious if everything was progressing, if everything is real? There was no answer so I left a message. After 3:30 went by and they hadn't called back yet I chalked it up to having to wait until Tuesday to find out (they close at 3:30). At 4 the phone rang. It was them. When I answered the phone the nurse told me that everything was looking great and that my number was now in the 800's so we could go ahead and book an ultrasound. Woot!! So we booked it for Jan 6 at 9am. I can hardly wait. It would have been scheduled for next week but because of the holiday season they are closed so I will have to wait a little longer.
I was still shocked that it was real. How is it that you pray pray pray pray for something and wish for it with all your might and then it happens and you just can't believe it! On the Friday of B's work party we dropped Kiwi off at B's parents' house. When we returned to pick him up he was sleeping and B's mom was talking to B's dad on FaceTime. We had discussed in the car that we would tell them only if B's dad was already talking to B's mom when we got there because we wanted to tell them together. When we walked in and saw that they in fact were talking to each other we had the green light to tell them. Brenton explained to them that part of their Christmas present was going to be delayed and wouldn't arrive until August. B's dad got it right away. It was funny to watch B's mom work it out and then she looked at me and asked, "really?" and I nodded and she jumped up and gave us both a hug.
A few days later I was talking to my mom on the phone and she flat out asked me if I was. I told her we were still in the waiting process (this was happening during all the blood test fiasco so I wasn't ready to tell anyone yet until I got the green light from the nurse). So I called her after dinner one evening and I asked Kiwi to say a few words that he had learned. "Mama, Baby, Tummy". My mom asked, "Are you trying to tell me something Kiwi" (expect she used his name not Kiwi) and I told her yes he is. She was very happy and excited and said, "I just knew it!" (Which I've never understood why people say that, it's kind of weird).
A couple days, after that I was talking to my sister. Ok I talk to her almost daily but this particular time B was home while I was talking to her and that's what I was waiting for. We were talking about how they might be coming to visit us in August and then she and B were bantering about her kids and where they're going to say. Then B said, "Well I don't know if we're able to take care of 4 kids at that time". My sister was like, 4 kids??? And you could see her counting out who all there was and she was like, who's the 4th kid?? We waited and then it clicked. It was so much fun to watch her reaction. Her hubby said something along the lines on how he got it right away and she was like, "you knew already? How long have you known? And he replied "I just found out at the same time you did, I just got it faster" Anyways we all had a good laugh and my niece immediately asked me if it was a boy or a girl. Which of course I didn't have an answer to.
At this point we have yet to tell my brother and any of B's siblings. We will most likely tell them on Christmas and boxing day. I am so very happy and excited and I pray that this baby sticks and grows healthy and strong. I so badly want to be able to give Kiwi the gift of a sibling!
We told B's brother T and his wife on Skype on Christmas eve. They were unfortunately not able to make the trip out due to medical issues so we wanted to tell them. I can't remember exactly how B told them but he tried to sneak the info into the conversation. They said they had a sense that they would be getting this news from us.
The next day B and I arrived late for Christmas dinner. When we arrived it was basically time to sit down and so we took Kiwi's sweater off. Under his sweater he was wearing a onesie that said, "Big Brother (in training)" At first nobody noticed it. Then one of B's brothers asked, "Is that a new shirt?" and we said "yep" and he asked, "is it true?" and we said, "yep" and he said, "cool" and then time went on a little bit more before the others caught on and once the girls noticed than the cheering and hugs started. It was a fun and happy moment!
The following day was Christmas with my side of the family. When B was praying for the meal he said, "and let all 8 of us have a wonderful evening celebrating". After he was finished my dad started counting. He was confused as he was only counting 7. I recounted the number of people at the table and said, I count 8. My dad was like, are you trying to tell us something? And I was like, "yep" and he smiled. My sister in law was confused as to why were counting people at the table in the first place. We explained to her what had just happened and then she was like, oh my! haha. It was funny. Again it was said that the news was almost anticipated and expected.
This just confuses me, how could everyone know it was coming when I didn't think it was? I seriously thought that November was a month not worth counting and considered a wasted month. What do I know?!
Two Monday's ago (Dec 9) I had a massage appointment booked. I always take a pregnancy test before I go just in case because if I am she isn't suppose to go as deep in my lower back. Anyways, I took one not expecting anything to be there because well we just didn't put too much energy into trying this month because of a vacation we were on. I came back at the 4 minute mark and there it was, a second line. I was shocked. I didn't even react. I just stood there and stared at it and then figured that it was my eyes playing tricks on me, or because it was so light it was an evaporation line or something. I tried to explain it away not allowing myself to get my hopes up. So I did what any normal person would do. I took another test. Again a second line showed up. Still not allowing myself to believe what I was seeing I called my specialist who set up a blood test for that afternoon. I went to my massage appointment and told her "There's a possibility I might be pregnant". She was so happy for me, I still in shock said, it's not for sure yet.
The next day I got the call from the specialists office and they told me that in fact I have the pregnancy hormone in my body but would like to do another blood test in a few days to make sure the number is going up because at this point the number is really low. She said it could be because I was very very early along. So on Thursday I went for a blood test as soon as they opened so I could get the results that afternoon. When the nurse called she said that they like to see the number reach between a 60-100 by that time and that my number had reached 141. So things were on track but they still wanted to recheck it on Monday. So again, first thing Monday morning I went and got my blood drawn (I seriously had a bruise on my elbow from where I kept getting poked) and that afternoon they still hadn't called. So I called them, I was just so curious if everything was progressing, if everything is real? There was no answer so I left a message. After 3:30 went by and they hadn't called back yet I chalked it up to having to wait until Tuesday to find out (they close at 3:30). At 4 the phone rang. It was them. When I answered the phone the nurse told me that everything was looking great and that my number was now in the 800's so we could go ahead and book an ultrasound. Woot!! So we booked it for Jan 6 at 9am. I can hardly wait. It would have been scheduled for next week but because of the holiday season they are closed so I will have to wait a little longer.
I was still shocked that it was real. How is it that you pray pray pray pray for something and wish for it with all your might and then it happens and you just can't believe it! On the Friday of B's work party we dropped Kiwi off at B's parents' house. When we returned to pick him up he was sleeping and B's mom was talking to B's dad on FaceTime. We had discussed in the car that we would tell them only if B's dad was already talking to B's mom when we got there because we wanted to tell them together. When we walked in and saw that they in fact were talking to each other we had the green light to tell them. Brenton explained to them that part of their Christmas present was going to be delayed and wouldn't arrive until August. B's dad got it right away. It was funny to watch B's mom work it out and then she looked at me and asked, "really?" and I nodded and she jumped up and gave us both a hug.
A few days later I was talking to my mom on the phone and she flat out asked me if I was. I told her we were still in the waiting process (this was happening during all the blood test fiasco so I wasn't ready to tell anyone yet until I got the green light from the nurse). So I called her after dinner one evening and I asked Kiwi to say a few words that he had learned. "Mama, Baby, Tummy". My mom asked, "Are you trying to tell me something Kiwi" (expect she used his name not Kiwi) and I told her yes he is. She was very happy and excited and said, "I just knew it!" (Which I've never understood why people say that, it's kind of weird).
A couple days, after that I was talking to my sister. Ok I talk to her almost daily but this particular time B was home while I was talking to her and that's what I was waiting for. We were talking about how they might be coming to visit us in August and then she and B were bantering about her kids and where they're going to say. Then B said, "Well I don't know if we're able to take care of 4 kids at that time". My sister was like, 4 kids??? And you could see her counting out who all there was and she was like, who's the 4th kid?? We waited and then it clicked. It was so much fun to watch her reaction. Her hubby said something along the lines on how he got it right away and she was like, "you knew already? How long have you known? And he replied "I just found out at the same time you did, I just got it faster" Anyways we all had a good laugh and my niece immediately asked me if it was a boy or a girl. Which of course I didn't have an answer to.
At this point we have yet to tell my brother and any of B's siblings. We will most likely tell them on Christmas and boxing day. I am so very happy and excited and I pray that this baby sticks and grows healthy and strong. I so badly want to be able to give Kiwi the gift of a sibling!
We told B's brother T and his wife on Skype on Christmas eve. They were unfortunately not able to make the trip out due to medical issues so we wanted to tell them. I can't remember exactly how B told them but he tried to sneak the info into the conversation. They said they had a sense that they would be getting this news from us.
The next day B and I arrived late for Christmas dinner. When we arrived it was basically time to sit down and so we took Kiwi's sweater off. Under his sweater he was wearing a onesie that said, "Big Brother (in training)" At first nobody noticed it. Then one of B's brothers asked, "Is that a new shirt?" and we said "yep" and he asked, "is it true?" and we said, "yep" and he said, "cool" and then time went on a little bit more before the others caught on and once the girls noticed than the cheering and hugs started. It was a fun and happy moment!
The following day was Christmas with my side of the family. When B was praying for the meal he said, "and let all 8 of us have a wonderful evening celebrating". After he was finished my dad started counting. He was confused as he was only counting 7. I recounted the number of people at the table and said, I count 8. My dad was like, are you trying to tell us something? And I was like, "yep" and he smiled. My sister in law was confused as to why were counting people at the table in the first place. We explained to her what had just happened and then she was like, oh my! haha. It was funny. Again it was said that the news was almost anticipated and expected.
This just confuses me, how could everyone know it was coming when I didn't think it was? I seriously thought that November was a month not worth counting and considered a wasted month. What do I know?!
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
This and That and the other
I will first say this, I have not forgotten about this blog. I have actually been working on a post that is still not ready for publishing, but it is in the works. It's just taking me longer to get through than most so I thought I should say, "Hey, I'm still alive and still blogging". Although I doubt anyone reads this any more. It's almost become a safe place for me to just voice out what I'm thinking with no real repercussions. However, I do still have a filter just in case.
This coming year is going to be so full of happy events. In just the last weekend I have had two cousins get engaged (one on B's side and one on mine). Also we already have 3 other weddings to attend this year making our total 5! I think that is the most in one year that we've attended. And with all this celebrating and happiness I can't help but remember the people who are still in mourning from the final months of 2013.
Last week one of my friends' son went into the children's hospital with a heart problem. He was born with it and given a pace maker back in September when he was first born. That pace maker wasn't able to keep up any more and he just went in for his second pace maker today. He made it through the surgery and is doing well considering. However he needs a new heart. This breaks my heart to pieces. I had so much hope for my cousin's little guy that a heart would come for him and it didn't. Is it wrong that I feel jaded in my prayers? I don't mean to be. I want to believe with all my might that he will get the heart he needs. It's hard.
On a happier note: I started a day home. I have 2 little boys that come over on Mon/Wed/Fri and they are super cute and fun! The 3.5 year old is hilarious! I love the things he says, an example: I asked him if he wanted to play play dough while the little ones slept and he said, "yes because little guys can't play with it because it's a choking hazard". I was like you're 3.5? Or 40? Also there was one time I was playing the piano to calm his brother down when he came in with his hands on his ears and said, "it's too loud, I need quiet, I'm playing trains". Seriously I laugh multiple times a day.
Today I had them over for 7 hours. It was busy and fun. B was home for part of it and witnessed the meltdowns of both 1.5 year olds. It was epic. They wanted to go in the washroom with the 3.5 year old for whatever reason and I wouldn't allow it so they both got upset. Toddlers, do they make sense to you?! I just laugh at the situation cause what else can you do? They were also hungry and cold because we had just returned from the park. After a snack the meltdowns subsided. By the end of the day though, I'm exhausted.
Well, I guess I will end on that note. Until next time
Michelle
This coming year is going to be so full of happy events. In just the last weekend I have had two cousins get engaged (one on B's side and one on mine). Also we already have 3 other weddings to attend this year making our total 5! I think that is the most in one year that we've attended. And with all this celebrating and happiness I can't help but remember the people who are still in mourning from the final months of 2013.
Last week one of my friends' son went into the children's hospital with a heart problem. He was born with it and given a pace maker back in September when he was first born. That pace maker wasn't able to keep up any more and he just went in for his second pace maker today. He made it through the surgery and is doing well considering. However he needs a new heart. This breaks my heart to pieces. I had so much hope for my cousin's little guy that a heart would come for him and it didn't. Is it wrong that I feel jaded in my prayers? I don't mean to be. I want to believe with all my might that he will get the heart he needs. It's hard.
On a happier note: I started a day home. I have 2 little boys that come over on Mon/Wed/Fri and they are super cute and fun! The 3.5 year old is hilarious! I love the things he says, an example: I asked him if he wanted to play play dough while the little ones slept and he said, "yes because little guys can't play with it because it's a choking hazard". I was like you're 3.5? Or 40? Also there was one time I was playing the piano to calm his brother down when he came in with his hands on his ears and said, "it's too loud, I need quiet, I'm playing trains". Seriously I laugh multiple times a day.
Today I had them over for 7 hours. It was busy and fun. B was home for part of it and witnessed the meltdowns of both 1.5 year olds. It was epic. They wanted to go in the washroom with the 3.5 year old for whatever reason and I wouldn't allow it so they both got upset. Toddlers, do they make sense to you?! I just laugh at the situation cause what else can you do? They were also hungry and cold because we had just returned from the park. After a snack the meltdowns subsided. By the end of the day though, I'm exhausted.
Well, I guess I will end on that note. Until next time
Michelle
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