Thanks for listening!

Hello everyone. Thank you for your concerns and outreaches. It is greatly appreciated! I have been dealing with my feelings in a private way as well as having a way to let them out (talking) has helped tremendously!

B and I went out on a date yesterday. Things are still shaky but I want to give him his space to think things through. It's like my dad said, "Everyone has to go through the forest, sometimes they come out the other side, and sometimes they get lost".

Also when it rain it pours right? There have been a lot of stresses in my own little world that I didn't take into consideration. Such as my one work, serving. They are only giving me one shift a week when I'm available for 3 or 4 a week. So that blows big chunks. Then my other job has just started so trying to make ends meet is really difficult until my hours start to add up to a real paycheck. Training sucks that way eh? Then there's school. I love it but it's just another stress. I want to excel and put a lot of pressure on myself. I don't know if it's to "prove" myself or what but I strive for that great mark. I'm also passionate about what I'm going into and learning about it comes naturally for me. Then there's Christmas season and I have all these great ideas but don't seem to have time to fulfill them. Ahh....just so much on my own plate. So to take someone else's journey personally is recipe for meltdown. I do that. I take on other people's problems as though they're my own. I try to stop doing that...and have people who understand me (my dad) to remind me when I'm doing it.

Again thank you to all who read and listened!

Don't read if you don't feel like listening.

Hello all in blogland. I don't know who all reads this any more but hopefully for this post there are only few. It's not going to be a very uplifting post. Quite the contrary it's going to be a debbie downer. You see I've been bottling my emotions now for quite a while and I am no longer feeling like myself. I am numb to my feelings and feeling things I've never felt before in my life. Thoughts of hurting myself physically in order to "feel" something. It's not something I'm proud of and just need to vent in order to get it out of me.

At the same time I don't want to vent on here because I know a few people who do read this are very close to me and don't want to scare anyone. I would not hurt myself physically because I find it is the most selfish thing anyone could do. I also don't want those close to me to make a big deal about what I'm feeling. I just need to get it out some how and since the people closest to me aren't around right now and haven't been for quite some time I need somewhere to turn. It's the loneliest I've ever felt. I seriously just want to rip my skin off and escape from this body I'm stuck in.

I pray, I pray every day. I feel God's warmth and his embrace and I cry. I cry so much. I feel so helpless. I feel used. I'm not going to go into deep description of what has been going on. Just know that B and I are on very rocky grounds right now. He's going through some personal growth that is ugly. It's not a fun place to be, a lot of transition. And in so has said that he's doing a lot of thinking on "us" as well as all the other things on his plate.

I'm so broken and hurt. I don't know where to turn. Nobody around seems to care...but only because I haven't expressed myself. I still keep on the smile to the people on the outside so they can't see the hurt. But if you were to look at me, like really look at me you'd see I'm sad.

I feel as though I don't matter. My feelings don't matter. I can express them, the person hears me but doesn't listen to what I'm actually saying. Does that makes sense? My dreams are pointless. I have no purpose. So why am I here? I don't know. I feel like I'm a waste of skin. I feel ugly and disgusting. Yet I am so mad at myself for feeling this way. I hate feeling selfish. I hate these thoughts that bring me down. I hate the way I feel and therefore cut off those feelings so I don't have to feel at all.

I long to be happy again.

Slept in.

Today has started out as a good day. Seeing as it started for me an hour ago. That's right. I didn't wake up until 1 in the afternoon. It was the first time I've slept in since about 2 weeks ago when I slept in until 11. I don't know why I think this is blog worthy because now you're all probably thinking I'm a lazy bum. That's ok, I'm a refreshed lazy bum! ha.

Last night I was up until 2. I was watching a show called "crash test mommy" and let me tell you that girl was retarded. She is single and has a job and thinks her sister with 4 kids has it easy. So when her and her sister traded places for 48 hours I was worried. By the end of the show I had cried for the kids because I felt so bad for the kids. Their aunty had tried "cutting corners" but the corners she cut were crucial ones...like lunch time. She only fed the 5 month old half of her breakfast...and then didn't get to feeding her lunch until 4:30 in the afternoon! I was mortified! By the very end of the show her sister (the mom) shared her feelings of being proud of her sister. But she (the aunty) replied, I think we understand where each other is coming from more now. She still didn't say that, yeah your job is hard and valuable. I think that's what her sister wanted from the entire experience.

That's my rant for the day.

Manic Monday

Today is Monday. Just another manic Monday. Do you remember this song? Sung by the Bangles. I have to say that it was a chill Monday. The sun was out, it was +6 out and lets not forget that it's December 1st. That's right. Warm and sunny on December 1st! I wore my white skirt and blue top to school this evening. While I walked into the class I noticed how un-cold I was compared to how cold I thought I should have been.

Well, that's about all there is to report today. I'll keep it short and sweet and to the point tonight. December 1,2008 = warm and sunny.

This is the site for the post-weather report. I tell you how the weather was instead of what it's going to be. Should I add this skill to my resume?