Hello all in blogland. I don't know who all reads this any more but hopefully for this post there are only few. It's not going to be a very uplifting post. Quite the contrary it's going to be a debbie downer. You see I've been bottling my emotions now for quite a while and I am no longer feeling like myself. I am numb to my feelings and feeling things I've never felt before in my life. Thoughts of hurting myself physically in order to "feel" something. It's not something I'm proud of and just need to vent in order to get it out of me.
At the same time I don't want to vent on here because I know a few people who do read this are very close to me and don't want to scare anyone. I would not hurt myself physically because I find it is the most selfish thing anyone could do. I also don't want those close to me to make a big deal about what I'm feeling. I just need to get it out some how and since the people closest to me aren't around right now and haven't been for quite some time I need somewhere to turn. It's the loneliest I've ever felt. I seriously just want to rip my skin off and escape from this body I'm stuck in.
I pray, I pray every day. I feel God's warmth and his embrace and I cry. I cry so much. I feel so helpless. I feel used. I'm not going to go into deep description of what has been going on. Just know that B and I are on very rocky grounds right now. He's going through some personal growth that is ugly. It's not a fun place to be, a lot of transition. And in so has said that he's doing a lot of thinking on "us" as well as all the other things on his plate.
I'm so broken and hurt. I don't know where to turn. Nobody around seems to care...but only because I haven't expressed myself. I still keep on the smile to the people on the outside so they can't see the hurt. But if you were to look at me, like really look at me you'd see I'm sad.
I feel as though I don't matter. My feelings don't matter. I can express them, the person hears me but doesn't listen to what I'm actually saying. Does that makes sense? My dreams are pointless. I have no purpose. So why am I here? I don't know. I feel like I'm a waste of skin. I feel ugly and disgusting. Yet I am so mad at myself for feeling this way. I hate feeling selfish. I hate these thoughts that bring me down. I hate the way I feel and therefore cut off those feelings so I don't have to feel at all.
I long to be happy again.
3 comments:
Michelle... before anything else... I think you worth life in itself. You are what allows me to have a breath each day just knowing you are alive and there can still be a chance to see you again. I love you my friend and I feel your pain. It sickens me and hurts me to see and hear and listen to your hurt. Mike E
Give me a call. I am listening. How can I help?
Michelle: Please know that I am always here for you, and if you ever need anything, please don't hesitate to get in touch...You have my cell number, and we are both on Facebook (I will send this to you there, as well), so you will be able to contact me. Please do that, and promise you will keep in touch.
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