It's a funny thing really. When struggling with fertility issues I joined a support group online. It was a great place to go and talk and support one another because we understood each other. We got it when someone would say something insensitive and we would lift each other up on a bad day. Our group struggled through miscarriages, frustrations, failed cycle after cycle and we also celebrated when someone had gotten their dream.
Being on the other side of it is a totally different story. When you get that positive test I felt almost numb, shocked, and I didn't believe it. Another feeling that came with it surprised me. Guilt. I felt so guilty for being able to graduate the infertility issue, but what about my friends? I wanted them all to "graduate". I felt guilty because why did I get pregnant and that girl that has been waiting for 5 years still not get her prayer answered.
This time around is no different. If anything the guilt is stronger. I am pregnant again. We have our second baby on the way when some of my friends are still waiting for their first. My heart breaks for them as I know and understand the frustrations and the feelings of injustice that come with infertility. Why can that teenage girl who doesn't want to get pregnant be blessed, but the woman who is ready and wanting a baby have to struggle. It doesn't make any sense. And the more you try to make sense of it the more it doesn't.
I have someone close to me that has been trying to get pregnant for years, and as B and I were waiting in the waiting room for our ultra sound out she walked and let me know that she is expecting her first baby! I am beyond words excited for her! We had been seeing the same fertility doctor since before I got pregnant with Kiwi. I didn't have the heart to tell her that we too were expecting. I wanted to revel in her joy and excitement!
It's so weird. I remember having such judgmental thoughts in my early 20's when I would watch the Baby Story on T.V. when the women would say they had to do fertility treatment. I use to think, they just need to relax, and not stress about it and it will happen. I was so naive and so ignorant. I feel guilty about having those thoughts and I hope and pray I never said anything insensitive to someone struggling.
Another emotion that comes with infertility is anger. I don't do well with anger. I don't know how to let it out. I tend to bottle it up or ignore it. It's easier to deal with it if I don't acknowledge it. However it does show it's ugly face now and then. I don't know why but when someone announces their pregnancy and says they weren't even trying, it strikes up anger in me. I know the expected reaction is to be happy but I honestly have to say my first reaction is anger/jealousy and it is not fun. I don't want that to be my first reaction. B helps me put it in check right away. I tend to withdrawal for a bit just to get myself to a place of happiness for them. I should rephrase that, it's not that I'm not happy for them, because I really am. I just feel the unjust for those who have been waiting and trying so hard. Does this make any sense? Maybe I'm on the crazy train?! I am not elegant with my words or have the ability to clearly voice my feelings.
I have another friend who just told me that she is struggling with getting pregnant and that when she told her best friend she was not supportive of her decision to start a family because it interfered with her plans. This I don't understand. How can someone else's dreams and desires interfere with another's life plans? Shouldn't you support your best friend? I just don't understand this. And with an issue when you're struggling you seek support where ever you can find it, and I would assume my best friend would have my back and be there to rely on, to vent to. But she doesn't even want to hear about it. So my friend has turned to others to find support where she can. It just seems like an unnecessary stress to add onto the plate and a wedge in friendship. (I know this is not my issue it's just something I find to be strange).
On a happy note (and this is where I will end this post) my very close friend T is going to be having her second baby in April. She and I also went to the same fertility specialist with both our kids. As well as the same Baby doctor. I am so very excited to be pregnant at the same time as her and our seconds will be only a few months apart. (Our firsts are a year apart and they get along so well and we love it!)
Until next time,
Michelle
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