About a week an half ago I had some family come to visit me at my home. I hadn't seen the one member for over 20 years (she lives overseas). The visit started out lovely, fun and lighthearted. However it soon took a turn. I felt bullied and picked on. It didn't feel good and I have to say I went into a trauma nervous system response of Freeze. I felt terrible after the visit, not so much for what was said to me but for not standing up and defending my children in the moment.
There was name calling (calling my smallest child an Imp and a Trouble Maker). This was particularly hurtful because my youngest has an expressive delay. So on top of the initial frustration she also has the frustration of knowing what she wants to say but can't connect the wire in her brain that connects the brain to the ability to verbalize it. So it's a frustration layered with another frustration. This makes her tend to react with a scream, clenched fists, red face, and the occasional hitting or pinching. Understandably so I think. She needs to be coached through these emotions. It looks different from a neurotypcial child. First we calm the verbal frustration, take some breaths, ease our mind, slow things down. Then we work together to find the words she's looking for to express herself in a socially acceptable way. Then we work through the initial frustration.
After one of these situations occurred we had finished the calming the first frustration then she walked away in defiance before we could walk through the initial frustration, so I counted backwards from 3 for her to return to me. She complied. We worked through the 2nd part and at the end she went inside to find a place (she needs quiet to regulate. She returns when she's ready). After she had left for her re-regulation time my Aunt told me, "You know your parenting backwards right?" To which I asked, "How do you mean?" She went on to tell me that when she counted to 3 her kids knew that if she got to 3 they would get a whollop. Even her 24 year old came home to visit and was fighting with her brother so she began to count and they stopped right away because they knew she meant business. I remained silent. I don't know if it was freeze response or just good sense to not engage in such a toxic conversation. The rest of the visit went downhill from there. Where everything I said and did, or my children said or did was criticized and pointed out. (There were more than 10 occasions of this happening - it was pretty constant, I'll only mention a couple).
The visit began at 1:30 in the afternoon. I wasn't expecting dinner guests so when it was already 5pm I asked if I should order pizza. We would be ordering Hawaiian as that's the only kind our children will eat. They moaned at that being the only choice. (They did not offer to pay and I wasn't prepared to order pizza that would be leftover that no one in our home would eat afterwards. Also by this point I was pissed so it was a take it or leave it (or just leave) statement. We went ahead and ordered the pizza. I brought out paper plates (the night before I had a family dinner that wasn't of my planning at our home and had just done a bunch of dishes the night before so I figured this was a good alternative and easy clean up...plus we were eating outside). The paper plates were scoffed at. Again I didn't react. Take it or leave it (or just leave) was my mindset at this point.
By this time it's 5:30 so my youngest asked if she could have a granola bar and bring one out for my cousin's kid. I agreed. I know that it takes at least 45-60 mins for pizza to arrive and our kids tend to eat at 5 so they were hungry and they had been swimming all afternoon. This was brought to my attention, "You're going to let your kids eat a granola bar before dinner?" I didn't respond pretending I didn't hear the question. She repeated it, and I, on purpose looked at her but still did not respond. She knew she had been acknowledged but I was not engaging in this weird word battle she wanted so desperately to have with me. (Again this was after 4 hours of constant belittlement, I don't normally encourage one to ignore someone when they ask a simple question. This was more than a simple question at this point and was trying to pull out any reaction out of me which I was not willing to give).
So what's the point to this? Why write about my family crap? Well the thing is I've been doing all this personal reflective work and trying to change the path that I grew up knowing. This whole visit had been a triggering event that took me straight back to my childhood. Growing up this is how some of the adults on my Mom's side had talked to us and treated us. The only difference is now I'm not a child and I have done some inner child work to build my self worth, learn how to have some self compassion and to evaluate what is said to me. (Basically reparent myself). Is it true? Is there merritt in what is said? If the answer is no then I let it go. That doesn't belong to me. If the answer is yes there is some truth in it or it's all true, then it's time to reflect and realize what I'm doing, why I'm doing it and make changes or accept it about myself. The majority of the things that were said to me or about my kids during this visit didn't have truth, had no merritt, were not said in kindness, love or encouragement so they were easily let go. That was all a hurt person's projection.
The one thing that did stick, and took me over a week to process was "You know you're parenting backwards right?" Why couldn't I let this one go? What was the truth in it that I was struck with? It was said with an intent to insult. Why was it sticking? Well this last week we went camping and there was one night when it rained at 3am. My husband and I jumped out of bed to put things under cover. When we got back in bed I couldn't sleep. I lied awake until 6am. The whole time my brain circling why this phrase was still on my mind (talk about giving up too much free rent in the brain). But it came to me at about 5:30am, the quiet still voice said, "Parenting backwards, this is good. The person still trapped in the generational trauma would see this as backwards. It's been turned around. It's foreign to them. Continue to go straight". So in fact it wasn't an insult at all, it was actually encouraging! The path is now going the other way!
I'm not claiming to be a perfect parent, or that I have things figured out, furthest thing from it. I'm learning this road as I go. There will be mis-steps, there will be mistakes but as long as I come back to God's word, keep Him as the focus I will correct and continue on.
The generation I grew up with as my adults, I believe took the verse, "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him" Proverbs 13:24 out of context. I need to do some more research to see what that verse was actually implying. I get that there does need to be harder disciplines for bigger issues. However, this verse seemed to give my surrounding adults the permission to just hit the child into submission. They had obviously skipped the verse that says, "Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children" Ephesians 5:1
Does Jesus beat you for every minor error? Does Jesus refuse to acknowledge your feelings and leave you in the mud to find your own way out? Does he constantly criticize or demean you? Does he mock you?
My Jesus sits with me in the mud. He doesn't force me to get out and ignore the mud. He walks with me through hard times and doesn't abandon me in my times of needing someone to talk to. He has his moments of discipline where I need to recorrect, acknowledge my wrongs and repent which comes with consequences but he doesn't revel in it. He doesn't get his own emotional release from it.
I'm a follower of Jesus and I hope I can teach my kids that they can come to me with their emotions and I won't run away from them or force them to suppress them because I can't handle my own, let alone be triggered by theirs. This is the generational trauma that is in my family. It's hard to change it, it's a lot of weird looking work but oh it's so much better. There is so much freedom and joy. I want my kids to be able to succeed in life and have the focus on what they want to do. I want to support them in the best way possible, therefore I must do the work.
Growing up I felt I needed to help regulate my parents emotions. I acted as their marriage counsellor from the time I was 14 until I moved out. Poop hit the fan 2 weeks after I moved out, where police were involved. A child should not be in charge of an adults work. There's a lot of research on this particular subject but it's a tangent for another day.
My toolbox is different. With learning what the traumas are and working on changing them, my tools have upgraded to powertools. Where other's in my family are still using their manual tools. They may both work in their own ways. When all you've known is one way I can understand the perspective of it looking backwards. It's up to us to upgrade the toolbox we were given instead of just accepting them as what it is. It's time to break the cycle.
It's exhausting and lonely at times. It's also interesting and I love finding some really cool new tools to try and see if they work. It's amazing to see my kids growing. It's also so cool to see the changes in myself and my mindset. It's empowering.
I still kick myself for not standing up in the moment. I think it was more out of shock and then going back in my mind to the little girl I was and how that was how I was talked down to. It took me a few hours but I did address the issues with my Mom and told her that type of behaviour will not be tolerated. It was not ok. (As she not just sat there and listened during the visit, but also jumped in at points). I get it, it's easier to join the negative forces than stand against them and take their projection. Speaking up was a huge milestone marker for myself. Normally I would have just let it go unmentioned and internalized it. By speaking it out, letting it be known I found I was able to let go of the anger and resentment so much quicker. New boundaries have been laid and I can see personal growth through this experience.
Keep the growing and learning going.
Michelle
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