I'm on a journey. A inner healing journey. I have been doing a lot of studying on personalities and a lot of studying on inner child work. I feel like maybe I have a little insight to what some others may be experiencing but have yet to do the work or don't know where to start. I was very lost within myself before I started. I didn't really even understand myself, and most days I still feel this way to be honest. If you asked me what I wanted for dinner I couldn't tell you. If you asked me what I don't want for dinner, that's an easier one to figure out.
Who am I? What a deep yet simple question to which there is no simple answer. If we were talking about the Enneagram I would tell you I'm a 9w1. If we were talking about the Myers Briggs I would tell you I'm an INFJ. I don't understand the fascination on being one. I was actually quite upset when it told me that it was a rare type. I was in the search of finding others like me, to find someone who could relate to the way I think. Alas that wasn't going to be an easy feat after all. Lonely. "I guess I'm figuring out this stuff on my own", is what I thought.
Growing up our emotions were not talked through. They weren't acknowledged. In fact most of the time they were dismissed or mocked. Sharing feelings, true deep down feelings wasn't safe, they would be used against you or to embarrass you at a later time. I learned to read the room, read other people, feel their emotions so that I could predict what they needed to avoid certain moods. I was a co-dependant. I helped my parents with regulating their emotions and their conflicts. I was a child and I had a job. Children should not have jobs.
I was witness to some very despicable behaviours by adults. We had the family that looked good in public, went to church, did all the right things, said all the right things. Behind closed doors that couldn't have been further from the truth.
Want to know how a "good kids" life is really going? Look at their fingernails. Are they chewed, ripped, picked? This is a common, socially acceptable coping strategy. Their anxiety is through the roof. Not all kids do this obviously, and some kids who do this have a fantastic home life. Just keep a closer eye on them, they might need someone to talk to but don't have a safe person. Show them you care. It's the good kids who are suffering in silence.
Learning to walk through emotions is hard work when all you've known is to suppress them. Allowing yourself to actually sit in it. Have someone walk through it with you. Give it a voice. Write it in a journal. However you need to release it in a healthy productive way. Otherwise it just stays in your body, somewhere and will release at some point because it can't stay. Mine use to be in a volcanic irruption once or twice a year. I would just get so bottled up that I would spew over something so minor. Obviously not the reason I was angry but the straw that broke the camel's back so to say.
Anger. It's a secondary emotion. It's the body's warning sign that something isn't right. There's another feeling under it and your anger is telling you needs to be addressed. Is it shame, frustration, hurt etc. Once you identify that emotion just sit with it a minute. Evaluate yourself and why do you feel that way. Then talk to your inner self and validate that feeling. "It is hurtful when someone says things to you that aren't true", "It's frustrating when plans get cancelled so often". Talk to yourself the way you would talk to your best friend who was experiencing that same feeling.
This is all for today. It's going to be a lifelong journey. I hope for everyone to find the inner peace and joy that life is about. Allow for the healing to begin so we can strive and shine the light to others.
Until next time,
Michelle
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