2009 bad to good? I hope so!

Hello to all who still read this. If there is anyone. I took a long time off from writing because I was a debbie downer and didn't want to be responsible for being a poopy-attitude creator. Since the last time I wrote B and I have rekindled our romance. School last semester ended well with my grades all in the "A" level.

My job situation has also worked out. I am now working full time as a cashier. I like the hours, Monday to Friday no later than 4:3o. It's actually quite complimentary to B's hours and great for school. I still have my evenings to do my homework and it's great. I'm really looking forward to this semester. However, for the last couple of weeks my brain has not been devoted to my school work. It's been very hard to concentrate due to some of the things life has decided to throw at me.

So far 2009 has been tough. Rewarding at the same time though. The first weekend of the year I found out that some friends of mine had been captured in the middle east. They were released 3 days later. The following week I received a phone call from my uncle letting me know that I might want to get to the coast soon to see my Grandma because the outlook wasn't very hopeful. She has overcome the flu that was causing her the most discomfort and has begun to her path back to health. The following week my kitty cat developed a bacteria infection of the brain and passed away.

If you recall from early, archive posts that little cat has been with me for quite some time. It came as a shock because when I took her into the vet they told me it was an ear infection which didn't surprise me, she's had a few ear infections before. But the next day I got a call from the vet saying she wasn't doing well and I should come in. So I did, but I will save that for the next post which will be devoted to her.

Good news: On the weekend B and I were driving to his place and he read the sign in the blockbuster window "Buy 2 movies get 1 free". So I turned to go in. He asked me what I was doing and I answered "I thought you wanted to go there, cause you read it". And he said that he was only reading signs. Well, since I was already turning off the road I continued and told him we were going in. Once we were in we found some movies that i liked and went to stand in line. Once we were in line I noticed the pile of wii games such as "rock band" and "guitar hero" and those type of things. Well, I've been in search of a wii fit since they came out last year sometime, but they're so hot that it's near impossible to come across one. Anyways, B saw the pile about the same time I did and looked at me and said, "stay here, I'll go check it out." So I stood there not expecting anything when I heard him say, "Do you want one or two". I apologize to the random man in front of me who had to deal with me standing behind him. It took every ounce of my being to contain my real excitement. I could hardly drive afterwards...I was so excited that it was actually in my car. We got back to B's place and he asked if I was going to break it out. At first I shyed away from it. I know crazy right? And finally he convinced me to embrace my new friend. So much fun. I think I should name it. Any suggestions??

Thanks for listening!

Hello everyone. Thank you for your concerns and outreaches. It is greatly appreciated! I have been dealing with my feelings in a private way as well as having a way to let them out (talking) has helped tremendously!

B and I went out on a date yesterday. Things are still shaky but I want to give him his space to think things through. It's like my dad said, "Everyone has to go through the forest, sometimes they come out the other side, and sometimes they get lost".

Also when it rain it pours right? There have been a lot of stresses in my own little world that I didn't take into consideration. Such as my one work, serving. They are only giving me one shift a week when I'm available for 3 or 4 a week. So that blows big chunks. Then my other job has just started so trying to make ends meet is really difficult until my hours start to add up to a real paycheck. Training sucks that way eh? Then there's school. I love it but it's just another stress. I want to excel and put a lot of pressure on myself. I don't know if it's to "prove" myself or what but I strive for that great mark. I'm also passionate about what I'm going into and learning about it comes naturally for me. Then there's Christmas season and I have all these great ideas but don't seem to have time to fulfill them. Ahh....just so much on my own plate. So to take someone else's journey personally is recipe for meltdown. I do that. I take on other people's problems as though they're my own. I try to stop doing that...and have people who understand me (my dad) to remind me when I'm doing it.

Again thank you to all who read and listened!

Don't read if you don't feel like listening.

Hello all in blogland. I don't know who all reads this any more but hopefully for this post there are only few. It's not going to be a very uplifting post. Quite the contrary it's going to be a debbie downer. You see I've been bottling my emotions now for quite a while and I am no longer feeling like myself. I am numb to my feelings and feeling things I've never felt before in my life. Thoughts of hurting myself physically in order to "feel" something. It's not something I'm proud of and just need to vent in order to get it out of me.

At the same time I don't want to vent on here because I know a few people who do read this are very close to me and don't want to scare anyone. I would not hurt myself physically because I find it is the most selfish thing anyone could do. I also don't want those close to me to make a big deal about what I'm feeling. I just need to get it out some how and since the people closest to me aren't around right now and haven't been for quite some time I need somewhere to turn. It's the loneliest I've ever felt. I seriously just want to rip my skin off and escape from this body I'm stuck in.

I pray, I pray every day. I feel God's warmth and his embrace and I cry. I cry so much. I feel so helpless. I feel used. I'm not going to go into deep description of what has been going on. Just know that B and I are on very rocky grounds right now. He's going through some personal growth that is ugly. It's not a fun place to be, a lot of transition. And in so has said that he's doing a lot of thinking on "us" as well as all the other things on his plate.

I'm so broken and hurt. I don't know where to turn. Nobody around seems to care...but only because I haven't expressed myself. I still keep on the smile to the people on the outside so they can't see the hurt. But if you were to look at me, like really look at me you'd see I'm sad.

I feel as though I don't matter. My feelings don't matter. I can express them, the person hears me but doesn't listen to what I'm actually saying. Does that makes sense? My dreams are pointless. I have no purpose. So why am I here? I don't know. I feel like I'm a waste of skin. I feel ugly and disgusting. Yet I am so mad at myself for feeling this way. I hate feeling selfish. I hate these thoughts that bring me down. I hate the way I feel and therefore cut off those feelings so I don't have to feel at all.

I long to be happy again.

Slept in.

Today has started out as a good day. Seeing as it started for me an hour ago. That's right. I didn't wake up until 1 in the afternoon. It was the first time I've slept in since about 2 weeks ago when I slept in until 11. I don't know why I think this is blog worthy because now you're all probably thinking I'm a lazy bum. That's ok, I'm a refreshed lazy bum! ha.

Last night I was up until 2. I was watching a show called "crash test mommy" and let me tell you that girl was retarded. She is single and has a job and thinks her sister with 4 kids has it easy. So when her and her sister traded places for 48 hours I was worried. By the end of the show I had cried for the kids because I felt so bad for the kids. Their aunty had tried "cutting corners" but the corners she cut were crucial ones...like lunch time. She only fed the 5 month old half of her breakfast...and then didn't get to feeding her lunch until 4:30 in the afternoon! I was mortified! By the very end of the show her sister (the mom) shared her feelings of being proud of her sister. But she (the aunty) replied, I think we understand where each other is coming from more now. She still didn't say that, yeah your job is hard and valuable. I think that's what her sister wanted from the entire experience.

That's my rant for the day.

Manic Monday

Today is Monday. Just another manic Monday. Do you remember this song? Sung by the Bangles. I have to say that it was a chill Monday. The sun was out, it was +6 out and lets not forget that it's December 1st. That's right. Warm and sunny on December 1st! I wore my white skirt and blue top to school this evening. While I walked into the class I noticed how un-cold I was compared to how cold I thought I should have been.

Well, that's about all there is to report today. I'll keep it short and sweet and to the point tonight. December 1,2008 = warm and sunny.

This is the site for the post-weather report. I tell you how the weather was instead of what it's going to be. Should I add this skill to my resume?

No longer in my hands.

It has been handed in. No longer can I think, rethink and re-do my assignment. It's out of my hands. In some ways I think I over-did it. In others I wonder if there was something more I could have done. When I looked at one of my other classmates assignment I noticed that she had labelled which each color of high lighter meant what. I didn't do that. I asked the teacher if it was necessary...she said,"no". Whew! I was gonna shoot myself..it would have been a simple print out. I even thought of it at one point but decided against it. Others looked at my project...it got passed around and I got comments like, "You have too much time on your hands" in which I replied, no I'm in lack of sleep and mental awareness! I noticed today while driving that I didn't know how I gotten to my destination. Yikes! Also in class this evening my eyes were heavy and we watched a very dry video. I ended up doing something I never thought I would do. I sent a couple of text messages to my boyfriend while in class! I'm not a teenager and yet I act like one. If you find that I'm rambling it's because I'm tired. I get a thought, I write it down. It may not relate to the previous sentence. But that's my thought pattern.
I know that in the last picture (the one labeled..."hockey" the net doesn't look like a net. But that's because I am not all that artistic and it looks more like the view of someone bending over from the backside angle. It kind of makes me laugh, but hopefully I won't be graded on my un-artistic ability. There is also the written work, the observations themselves and the summaries...I didn't include these in the pictures because they are confidential. Plus it's like looking at a typed report...nothing too exciting there! So I only included the pages I thought were more fun. Although all my summaries are in colored ink with the parts that were to be mentioned in different ink so it leaps off the page...yeah can we say "nerd alert"?
I have one classmate which I find challenging to deal with. B calls her "negative lady". Inside it's what I call her too. She never has anything nice to say. She critics the teachers with no mercy. And I am finding it difficult to remain friendly. I want to ask why she's in the course if she doesn't like what is being taught. One of our teachers was in a bad car accident before the start of school. She complained about back pains, and a sore arm for the first 6 weeks of school. (which was only 3 times that I saw her because we have class with her every second Saturday. Anyways, a couple of classes with her ago she came in with a cast. She had found out that all along she had a broken wrist. There were a couple of times within those classes that she had asked one of us to give her a little extra help opening a container or lifting something heavy because it hurt her arm. (Not a big deal right? Who wouldn't in that situation) Well negative lady always has a comment when our teacher asks for help, such as...one time I heard her say, "Why would you teach a class if you're not physically able to". Um she's teaching art. It's not like she can't teach us she just needs a hand. In tonight's class she made comments about our teacher in class and I just simply toned her out. I know this is rude but instead of listening to negative lady I thought it was more important to not only listen to what our teacher was talking about, but make notes...seeing as though this is about the career I want to get into and it's kind of important! I noticed moments after negative lady noticed I wasn't paying any attention to her and actually writing something down she started copying my notes off my paper! These are just notes that i make up from LISTENING! They're not off an overhead or anything. I was like, um, ok. Annoying! I am just finding myself down by the end of class in attitude when I end up sitting by her. I try not to, she just kind of follows me. I should try sitting in the very front row. Anyways, negative lady left half way through the class because she was tired and didn't want to pay attention any more. I didn't know that was an option. Someone else is going to take my notes for me so I can go home and relax?! That must be nice. I wonder who took her notes? Enough on that rant. I just had to get it off my chest. Today at Staples I had a great day. The time goes by really fast. Especially when it's busy. I was put on the till by myself and then they said, actually you're going to be on till 1 so you can get comfortable doing returns. By the end of the day I could do returns just as fast as a regular sale! Woot! It was really exciting in my little world. I really like the people I'm working with. They're really friendly and fun. The one lady I am with the most is funny. She said to me, I don't know what it is, but I think the people gather together at the back of the store and then charge for the check out at the same time. Then it's dead until we get the next herd. haha. I agree with her! Cause it totally comes in swarms. It's fun though. Today is my Dad's birthday! Happy Birthday dad!!!! You're 25! Woop! I told everyone that asked me why I was happy that it was my dad's birthday. It was funny to get their responses to that. "It's your dad's birthday so you're happy?". My response, "Yep". Their next statement..."you're going to do something to celebrate?", "Well, he's not in town, he's in Calgary". They usually left a little confused but I was still smiling at them and waving with enthusiasm. ok, I wasn't waving..but I was smiling. haha. Good times! They'll be back! For some reason people enjoy the confusion that I bestow upon them! They usually leave laughing or at least smiling. And I'm having a blast! Maybe I'm the only one having a blast and everyone else just thinks I'm crazy. Whatever, I'm having fun, the day's going by fast and I'm getting paid for it. Win, win, win!

New pens = Exciting day!

Hello. How is everyone in blog land doing today? I'm surprisingly happy today! (That was B's reaction to me today any ways). Today I bought some new pens and I'm excited about my purchase. See many people give me this weird look when I say that because I'm being genuine in my excitement and they don't seem to understand the excitement that comes with buying new pens. I'm a server people(actually most of the people I was expressing my excitement to were servers and they still didn't get it.) And they think I'm weird! ha As soon as I brought out these said pens they understood my excitement and thought that I was ridiculous for buying them. "Those aren't going to fit in your apron". (Oh, all of one did!). And that's silly...but really when I brought them out with kids at the table it was a hit. So who's retarded now? Kids happy/entertained = happy parents = bigger tip! Hello!? Here are a couple of pictures of the new pens and you'll now understand what the excitement is about. Oh and the price 99cents with a 15% discount! Yeah! Can't really beat that now can you peeps!


















I love the one new busser at work. She and I speak the same language and have a blast with each other. I just found out that she's in university and all along I thought she was still in high school. (oops). She's a sweetheart although when you hear us talk to each other it's usually in threats. Again, we understand each other and know it's all just joking around. Yesterday in computer class we learned how to put a powerpoint presentation together. Let me tell you it's a fun thing to do. I would have been done earlier but I got lost in my own world and all the features I could use to express my world. When I demonstrated my presentation I received laughs in all the appropriate spots which tells me that I did it right! Woo hoo! My world made sense to others...Can someone please mark that on the calender? Crazy Cat Lady Moment: (I haven't done one of these for a very long time) Today Puss N Boots came over to me and I picked her up. Usually she can only tolerate me holding her for a few minutes in the baby cradle hold. Well this morning she allowed me to hold her in that position, she fell asleep and when she woke up allowed me to keep on holding her. I think it's safe to say someone missed their momma! When I put her down I got a really long sad meow. Between my shifts this afternoon I decided to come home and talk to B and little PB (short for Puss N boots...and now that I wrote that the whole point of putting it in short hand is gone) came over and wanted to repeat the cuddle session from this morning. She can have her cute moments too! Crazy Cat Lady moment is over. So yeah, that's pretty much my day.






Over all : good day....oh except I looked over my project, didn't like it any more and decided to do the presentation of the written work over again...now I like it! So yay my project is done....AGAIN!