Next Chapter

 Today as I sit here I am hoping this next chapter in life is short.  Facing health issues in our family.  I am hoping this next chapter of character building is short and sweet.  We will find out more information in 2 weeks. In the meantime, limbo.  My imagination does not fair well in the limbo stage.  It likes to go off the deep end and imagine all the worst case scenarios.  

B is facing some possible life altering health issues. I made the mistake of looking up some things today and dr. google is not always your friend.  

Being a plot twist princess, I know this will bring more wisdom and strength.  But as anything the growing pains are just that, painful and scary.  I am scared taking these next steps forward.  Trying to have faith that all will work out wonderfully...yet my intuition keeps telling me to buckle up and I don't know what for.  

If you believe, please pray for peace of mind and for a great prognosis for B.

Until next time,

Michelle

Dreams

 Dreams are interesting.  I once heard or read (not sure which) that if you remember your dream when you wake up it was in fact a message not a dream. Well I had such last night/this morning. I woke up and it had been so vivid and real and really stuck with me. So much so that I wanted to go back to sleep so I could really finish it even thought I already understood that was as far as the story was going to go.  Let's get into it shall we.  

The dream: I was in college (hello throw back). There was a weird vote going on and the two people with the lowest amount of votes would have to do a floor cleaning face off. This was no ordinary dirty floor. It was linoleum flooring with all kinds of grease, oil, black goop really dug into the mini crevices. It was a super long floor (think 1/4 length of a football field). We were given a tiny scrubby, metal in texture. It was a daunting task. As I walked up towards the competition I was feeling defeated, over powered. Down on myself.  I was in this position because I had the lowest or 2nd lowest votes of the entire school body to be there.  I had to prove my worth in staying. It wasn't fair. 

As I got closer I heard a small still voice. "Talk to me".  As I started cleaning I prayed. I continued to pray for the school body, I prayed that everyone learning there would go into the world and spread kindness and love. That they would be enriched with knowledge to really help in their field of specialty.  I also just prayed to talk to God. Not to ask for anything, just to talk and be in his presence. Suddenly I was stopped by the organizer. I had finished cleaning and didn't realize it.  I was so busy in chatting with God that not only did I not notice that I was done cleaning, I was frantically searching for more dirt to clean so I didn't have to stop. 

This may seem like a really weird dream that makes no sense. But to me it brought comfort.  I have learned in the last couple of weeks that 3 people in my family have cancer. I learned this in the matter of 4 hours. I was numb for about a week after learning this.  We as a family decided to go camping. A great place to reset and process I thought.  Well, not so much. When we got there there was a large forest fire near by and we were constantly being covered in ash. Then 2 days later we found out there was a large forest fire near our home and we were now in evacuation order. Meaning we couldn't go home for the foreseeable future. My thoughts were, "yep. This seems about right". I think it was super helpful in a way that my feelings and thoughts were numb. It helped me to see it for what it is, it's just stuff. What's important are the people and animals are safe and sound. Everything else is just a replaceable thing.  

How does it relate to this dream you may be wondering. I'm taking it as this, there's so much gross, dirty, toxic filth in our lives. We can focus on this and have a doom and gloom outlook on it. Or we can get down on our hands and knees, pray through it and spend some time with our heavenly Father who won't leave us in our times of struggle. He will meet us in the filth and grime and see us through.  Also he's an amazing conversationalist. When you tune your ear to hear Him, you never want the conversation to end.

Sending much love and kindness your way. Love God. Love Others

Michelle 

Gracious Receiver

 Tis the season to give generously and receive graciously.  I believe the first part of that statement is pretty straight forward. Even what may seem small to you, may feel like the world to the person you're giving it to.  We don't really know the struggles each of our friends and family face. We may think we know, but really does everyone really divulge the hard ugly truths all of the time? It shows that we were thinking of them. 

The second part of that statement might seem weird. Of course I'm thankful and grateful for whatever someone may give me, you may be thinking. Or perhaps it isn't the right gift and you feel like you were so clear on what you had asked for.  Instead of getting caught up in the item, perhaps look at the connection that could be between you and the giver. I had a friend today say, "I bought you a gift, I really hope you like it".  I told her she could have gotten me a piece of poop and I would thank her for the fertilizer.  It's not the gift that makes our friendship, it's our connection. 

When we give we actually receive at the same time. We receive that feeling of happiness when we see the recipient happy with the gift we have chosen for them. When you show you don't like the gift someone gave you it can cause feelings of rejection in their heart. So even if you don't love the gift, receive it graciously. "Thank you so much for thinking of me". Having a grateful and gracious receiving heart will take us a long way. 

Happy Holidays,

Michelle

Parenting Backwards

 About a week an half ago I had some family come to visit me at my home. I hadn't seen the one member for over 20 years (she lives overseas). The visit started out lovely, fun and lighthearted. However it soon took a turn. I felt bullied and picked on. It didn't feel good and I have to say I went into a trauma nervous system response of Freeze. I felt terrible after the visit, not so much for what was said to me but for not standing up and defending my children in the moment.  

There was name calling (calling my smallest child an Imp and a Trouble Maker). This was particularly hurtful because my youngest has an expressive delay. So on top of the initial frustration she also has the frustration of knowing what she wants to say but can't connect the wire in her brain that connects the brain to the ability to verbalize it. So it's a frustration layered with another frustration. This makes her tend to react with a scream, clenched fists, red face, and the occasional hitting or pinching. Understandably so I think.  She needs to be coached through these emotions. It looks different from a neurotypcial child. First we calm the verbal frustration, take some breaths, ease our mind, slow things down. Then we work together to find the words she's looking for to express herself in a socially acceptable way. Then we work through the initial frustration. 

After one of these situations occurred we had finished the calming the first frustration then she walked away in defiance before we could walk through the initial frustration, so I counted backwards from 3 for her to return to me. She complied. We worked through the 2nd part and at the end she went inside to find a place (she needs quiet to regulate. She returns when she's ready). After she had left for her re-regulation time my Aunt told me, "You know your parenting backwards right?" To which I asked, "How do you mean?" She went on to tell me that when she counted to 3 her kids knew that if she got to 3 they would get a whollop. Even her 24 year old came home to visit and was fighting with her brother so she began to count and they stopped right away because they knew she meant business. I remained silent. I don't know if it was freeze response or just good sense to not engage in such a toxic conversation. The rest of the visit went downhill from there.   Where everything I said and did, or my children said or did was criticized and pointed out. (There were more than 10 occasions of this happening - it was pretty constant, I'll only mention a couple).

The visit began at 1:30 in the afternoon. I wasn't expecting dinner guests so when it was already 5pm I asked if I should order pizza. We would be ordering Hawaiian as that's the only kind our children will eat. They moaned at that being the only choice. (They did not offer to pay and I wasn't prepared to order pizza that would be leftover that no one in our home would eat afterwards. Also by this point I was pissed so it was a take it or leave it (or just leave) statement. We went ahead and ordered the pizza.  I brought out paper plates (the night before I had a family dinner that wasn't of my planning at our home and had just done a bunch of dishes the night before so I figured this was a good alternative and easy clean up...plus we were eating outside). The paper plates were scoffed at. Again I didn't react. Take it or leave it (or just leave) was my mindset at this point.  

By this time it's 5:30 so my youngest asked if she could have a granola bar and bring one out for my cousin's kid.  I agreed.  I know that it takes at least 45-60 mins for pizza to arrive and our kids tend to eat at 5 so they were hungry and they had been swimming all afternoon. This was brought to my attention, "You're going to let your kids eat a granola bar before dinner?" I didn't respond pretending I didn't hear the question. She repeated it, and I, on purpose looked at her but still did not respond.  She knew she had been acknowledged but I was not engaging in this weird word battle she wanted so desperately to have with me. (Again this was after 4 hours of constant belittlement, I don't normally encourage one to ignore someone when they ask a simple question. This was more than a simple question at this point and was trying to pull out any reaction out of me which I was not willing to give). 

So what's the point to this? Why write about my family crap? Well the thing is I've been doing all this personal reflective work and trying to change the path that I grew up knowing.  This whole visit had been a triggering event that took me straight back to my childhood.  Growing up this is how some of the adults on my Mom's side had talked to us and treated us. The only difference is now I'm not a child and I have done some inner child work to build my self worth, learn how to have some self compassion and to evaluate what is said to me. (Basically reparent myself). Is it true? Is there merritt in what is said? If the answer is no then I let it go. That doesn't belong to me. If the answer is yes there is some truth in it or it's all true, then it's time to reflect and realize what I'm doing, why I'm doing it and make changes or accept it about myself. The majority of the things that were said to me or about my kids during this visit didn't have truth, had no merritt, were not said in kindness, love or encouragement so they were easily let go.  That was all a hurt person's projection. 

The one thing that did stick, and took me over a week to process was "You know you're parenting backwards right?" Why couldn't I let this one go? What was the truth in it that I was struck with?  It was said with an intent to insult. Why was it sticking?  Well this last week we went camping and there was one night when it rained at 3am. My husband and I jumped out of bed to put things under cover. When we got back in bed I couldn't sleep. I lied awake until 6am. The whole time my brain circling why this phrase was still on my mind (talk about giving up too much free rent in the brain). But it came to me at about 5:30am, the quiet still voice said, "Parenting backwards, this is good. The person still trapped in the generational trauma would see this as backwards. It's been turned around. It's foreign to them. Continue to go straight". So in fact it wasn't an insult at all, it was actually encouraging! The path is now going the other way! 

I'm not claiming to be a perfect parent, or that I have things figured out, furthest thing from it. I'm learning this road as I go. There will be mis-steps, there will be mistakes but as long as I come back to God's word, keep Him as the focus I will correct and continue on. 

The generation I grew up with as my adults, I believe took the verse, "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him" Proverbs 13:24 out of context.  I need to do some more research to see what that verse was actually implying. I get that there does need to be harder disciplines for bigger issues. However, this verse seemed to give my surrounding adults the permission to just hit the child into submission. They had obviously skipped the verse that says, "Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children" Ephesians 5:1 

Does Jesus beat you for every minor error? Does Jesus refuse to acknowledge your feelings and leave you in the mud to find your own way out?  Does he constantly criticize or demean you? Does he mock you? 

My Jesus sits with me in the mud. He doesn't force me to get out and ignore the mud. He walks with me through hard times and doesn't abandon me in my times of needing someone to talk to. He has his moments of discipline where I need to recorrect, acknowledge my wrongs and repent which comes with consequences but he doesn't revel in it. He doesn't get his own emotional release from it. 

I'm a follower of Jesus and I hope I can teach my kids that they can come to me with their emotions and I won't run away from them or force them to suppress them because I can't handle my own, let alone be triggered by theirs.  This is the generational trauma that is in my family. It's hard to change it, it's a lot of weird looking work but oh it's so much better. There is so much freedom and joy. I want my kids to be able to succeed in life and have the focus on what they want to do. I want to support them in the best way possible, therefore I must do the work. 

Growing up I felt I needed to help regulate my parents emotions. I acted as their marriage counsellor from the time I was 14 until I moved out. Poop hit the fan 2 weeks after I moved out, where police were involved.  A child should not be in charge of an adults work. There's a lot of research on this particular subject but it's a tangent for another day. 

My toolbox is different. With learning what the traumas are and working on changing them, my tools have upgraded to powertools. Where other's in my family are still using their manual tools. They may both work in their own ways.  When all you've known is one way I can understand the perspective of it looking backwards.  It's up to us to upgrade the toolbox we were given instead of just accepting them as what it is. It's time to break the cycle. 

It's exhausting and lonely at times. It's also interesting and I love finding some really cool new tools to try and see if they work. It's amazing to see my kids growing. It's also so cool to see the changes in myself and my mindset. It's empowering. 

I still kick myself for not standing up in the moment. I think it was more out of shock and then going back in my mind to the little girl I was and how that was how I was talked down to. It took me a few hours but I did address the issues with my Mom and told her that type of behaviour will not be tolerated. It was not ok. (As she not just sat there and listened during the visit, but also jumped in at points). I get it, it's easier to join the negative forces than stand against them and take their projection. Speaking up was a huge milestone marker for myself. Normally I would have just let it go unmentioned and internalized it.  By speaking it out, letting it be known I found I was able to let go of the anger and resentment so much quicker. New boundaries have been laid and I can see personal growth through this experience. 

Keep the growing and learning going. 

Michelle

Inner Work Begins.

 I'm on a journey. A inner healing journey. I have been doing a lot of studying on personalities and a lot of studying on inner child work. I feel like maybe I have a little insight to what some others may be experiencing but have yet to do the work or don't know where to start. I was very lost within myself before I started. I didn't really even understand myself, and most days I still feel this way to be honest. If you asked me what I wanted for dinner I couldn't tell you. If you asked me what I don't want for dinner, that's an easier one to figure out. 

Who am I? What a deep yet simple question to which there is no simple answer. If we were talking about the Enneagram I would tell you I'm a 9w1.  If we were talking about the Myers Briggs I would tell you I'm an INFJ. I don't understand the fascination on being one. I was actually quite upset when it told me that it was a rare type. I was in the search of finding others like me, to find someone who could relate to the way I think. Alas that wasn't going to be an easy feat after all. Lonely. "I guess I'm figuring out this stuff on my own", is what I thought. 

Growing up our emotions were not talked through. They weren't acknowledged. In fact most of the time they were dismissed or mocked. Sharing feelings, true deep down feelings wasn't safe, they would be used against you or to embarrass you at a later time. I learned to read the room, read other people, feel their emotions so that I could predict what they needed to avoid certain moods. I was a co-dependant. I helped my parents with regulating their emotions and their conflicts. I was a child and I had a job. Children should not have jobs. 

I was witness to some very despicable behaviours by adults. We had the family that looked good in public, went to church, did all the right things, said all the right things. Behind closed doors that couldn't have been further from the truth. 

Want to know how a "good kids" life is really going? Look at their fingernails. Are they chewed, ripped, picked? This is a common, socially acceptable coping strategy. Their anxiety is through the roof. Not all kids do this obviously, and some kids who do this have a fantastic home life. Just keep a closer eye on them, they might need someone to talk to but don't have a safe person. Show them  you care. It's the good kids who are suffering in silence. 

Learning to walk through emotions is hard work when all you've known is to suppress them. Allowing yourself to actually sit in it. Have someone walk through it with you. Give it a voice. Write it in a journal. However you need to release it in a healthy productive way. Otherwise it just stays in your body, somewhere and will release at some point because it can't stay.  Mine use to be in a volcanic irruption once or twice a year. I would just get so bottled up that I would spew over something so minor.  Obviously not the reason I was angry but the straw that broke the camel's back so to say.  

Anger. It's a secondary emotion. It's the body's warning sign that something isn't right. There's another feeling under it and your anger is telling you needs to be addressed.  Is it shame, frustration, hurt etc.  Once you identify that emotion just sit with it a minute.  Evaluate yourself and why do you feel that way.  Then talk to your inner self and validate that feeling. "It is hurtful when someone says things to you that aren't true", "It's frustrating when plans get cancelled so often".  Talk to yourself the way you would talk to your best friend who was experiencing that same feeling. 

This is all for today. It's going to be a lifelong journey. I hope for everyone to find the inner peace and joy that life is about. Allow for the healing to begin so we can strive and shine the light to others. 

Until next time, 

Michelle

Here nor There

Hokey Smokes how does so much time go before I realize I haven't kept up to date on here.  Well.  I think I may just revamp this blog once again.  Maybe into more of a journal of crafty things I have been keeping myself busy with.  What say you?  Nothing?  Well then I will take that as a go ahead Michelle do whatever you want, it's your blog after all.  Why thank you made up person in my head for the permission and the unfailing confidence in my decision making.

Sometimes I feel like I've actually lost my mind and I'm now a full blown crazy person.  I think instead of resisting this, I've just come to accept it and go with the flow.  In essence you now get to take a glimpse into the crazy and hopefully have a chuckle, a smile or just a good old shaking the head and say to yourself, well at least I haven't quite lost it like her.  I'm ok with that.

Currently there is a thunder storm taking place outside.  Both my girls are sleeping and my little man is watching a kids show while playing blocks.  Yes a multi-tacker.  He's so advanced.  This morning he had a soccer practice and it was in the rain.  Not bad for the kids playing as they're running around keeping warm.  But for us mama's (and Dads) and the little siblings who are too small to play it was freezing!!! So much so that 4 hours later I'm still wearing socks(This is a very rare occasion as my feet are mini-furnaces).

Ok, so now I have to figure out how to load the pictures on my phone onto here.  I take a picture of all the things I make on my phone so it will just take some creative invest-tigotory work on my part and then I shall share.  Let's face it, pictures are the best part of a blog (in my not so humble opinion anyways).

A Whole Year Later

Howdy blogging world.  Does anyone even come by here any more?  Well in case you have stumbled upon this page I shall try to entertain.  Since the last time I posted I have had another high risk pregnancy which resulted in another beautiful little girl.  We shall call her Fairy.  Why?  Because that's the theme of her bedroom.  She was born weighing 9lbs on the dot.  She has a long name like the other two where their middle names are full of meaning. She was born via c-section. 
Both Sprout and Kiwi love her to bits.  They have both proven to be such amazing older siblings.  Sprout just turned 2 last weekend and she's definitely found her way into the terrible two's already.  She's stubborn, independent, crazy, witty, and so much fun.  She had a Minnie Mouse party in which I shall post some photos of at some point.  
Kiwi turned 4 back in June and he had a Paw Patrol birthday party.  It almost felt like I was cheating as we had his party at an indoor play centre where they did everything for us.  I just brought some snack and cupcakes.  It was fun and enjoyable.  
B has been crazy busy working in our back yard.  He's in the process of building a shed. It will be awesome when it is complete.  
Our summer has consisted of family time and fruit trees and bushes and more fruit and more fruit.  I am not complaining by any means.  It actually makes play time outside really easy for snack time.  Kids ask for a snack and I just ask them what kind they would like.  We have blackberries, raspberries, blueberries, strawberries, snap peas, cherry tomatoes, grapes, Mr. Honeyberry, Mrs. Honeyberry, peaches, more peaches, and cherries.  I have to say that I love that our yard produces so much yumminess.  
I can't believe Kiwi is going to be starting pre-school in just a few short weeks.  He's such a chatty fellow and always making us laugh.  Today we were playing in a cardboard box(empty freezer box) so all 4 of us could fit inside.  While inside I asked them to each come up with one rule.  Kiwi's rule, No pooping or peeing your pants while inside the clubhouse.  Sprouts rule, you must knock.  
Well this just went all over the place.  If you long for more just leave a comment.  If not don't leave a comment. That simple.  
Until next time.
Michelle

Re-vamped

You may or may not have noticed a little change around here.  For instance, an update. But even more so the background and colour scheme.  I felt so uninspired by the way it looked before and knew I just needed a little change.  So here you are.  

So a lot has happened in our world since our last encounter on here.  We have successfully finished potty training Kiwi.  B, Kiwi and Sprout have all had Birthdays and Birthday parties.  Kiwi's was an under water theme and it was so much fun to plan for!  B thinks I'm crazy as I start planning a party well in advance.  The reason I do this is to make it cost effective and sometimes you find awesome party themed items on clearance after Halloween or Christmas so it's good to have a theme well ahead of time so you can find things at a great price? Am I right? Or am I crazy?  Sprout had a Woodland theme party and again it was so much fun to plan.  I did go a little crazy when I decided I would make all the kids a party hat.  I started this project 2 weeks prior to the party....that I have to say was a little crazy but it worked out.  Here are some pictures from both parties:

 I used clear blue shower curtains to create a feeling of being under water. 

 This backdrop is actually a table cloth I found at the dollar store - perfect!  I ordered the balloons that attach to each other from a party store online.  bargainballoons.com

 I love the jelly fish.  They are probably my favourite decoration.  I sewed two streamers together with the tension as high as it could go to create the ruffled effect.  

 The Birthday boy at the fishing pond.  We had 4 games lined up along the wall that the kids could play at their leisure.  And then we played with the parachute(shark attack game) and had a silly string(seaweed) fight. I didn't include those photos only because I don't have permission from the parents of the other kids to post them on my blog.  

 My little mermaid.  Yes I crocheted that tail.  She loves wearing it!

 The bubble cake! This was made with gelatine bubbles and white chocolate mould seashells and brown sugar.  The bubbles were made by dipping water balloons in gelatine mixture and allowing them to dry for 24 hours.  They turned out way better that I had imagined! 

 Sprouts cherry blossom cake with a birds nest.  

 Sugar cookies - owls and foxes. These were such a hit. I should have made more!

 I love the porcupine and the hedgehog!!!  

 Party hats! See I am a little crazy!  But look how sweet they are!

 The dessert table!
And little miss Sprout had a cake all to herself for the classic cake smash.  She was so dainty and didn't get very messy.  

Well I think that catches you up a little for now.  I have a few more post ideas in my head. It's just a matter of writing it down and actually posting it.  I am hoping to be back at this now.  There is a lot coming up that I would like to document.  Have the most wonderful day.  (That's not me being bossy...really choose whatever kind of day you want to have I just hope it's wonderful)  

Merry Christmas in 7 sleeps

Hey so if you haven't noticed I totally lost track of having a blog. Also I don't think anyone really reads it any more anyways as there was no cry-out for more updates so I don't really feel all that bad about not keeping up with it.  

Lots has changed since the last time I wrote anything but I don't feel like playing catch up so I will just talk about what's going on now.  Christmas is just around the corner.  I love Christmas time and this year is no different. The only difference this year is that I have no desire to bake.  This is crazy talk yo as I usually have my baking done mid-October.  Here it is exactly one week until Christmas and Kiwi and I just baked some sugar cookies and chocolate chip cookies today.  It was actually a lot of fun making them with him as he did the rolling of the dough and pressing of the cookie cutters.  He loved it.  My inner self had a few moments where I had to put myself in check because it would be so much faster if I just did it or organized the cookie cutters in a way where I could fit 10-15 on one roll out whereas when he placed them it would be successful to get 5.  Yes it was more work to have him "help" but to see how excited he was and how into it he was I wouldn't trade it.  

Last weekend we had some friends over that don't have family in town.  It's now an annual event (as we did it last year and again this year) to have a gingerbread house decorating evening.  It is so much fun.  We have dinner and then the rest of the evening we spend decorating our houses.  I make the kids their very own little house so they can have all the creative freedom they want on decorating and then the adult houses can be done by just that, the adults.  

Brenton loves to have parties so we will be hosting another party for his co-workers this weekend.  This one will be a pot-luck and it shall be fun.  I am already kind of looking forward to the quietness that comes after the Christmas season. It just seems to be so busy for a week and a half straight and then breath.  Don't get me wrong, I love seeing people and catching up and having no structure, however I can only handle that for so long and then I just want to curl up under a blanket at home and just be still.  

Sprout is freakin' adorable.  I know I am biased, I get that but today especially she just melts my heart.  She woke up in a super happy smiley mood.  She gave several belly laughs over the slightest thing and she played shy a few times scrunching her cheek into her shoulder.  She loves to be around the action and gets quite offended if we leave her in her swing where she can't see what's going on.  

This blog might go silent or I might just pick it up again in the new year.  I haven't decided at this point so we'll see how the next week and a half goes.  We are planning on potty training Kiwi so maybe I will have some fresh material to blog about.  Until next time
Merry Christmas
Michelle

Evacuation and False Labour

 I was just coming back from the other side of the bridge (doing errands) and heading to B's Grandpa's 95th birthday party.  95!!!  As I rounded the corner I saw some smoke coming from a hill near by.  I said out loud to myself (well Kiwi was there so maybe I was telling him) that as soon as we parked the car I was going to call that in.  It had just started.  As I pulled into my parking spot the fire truck went by.  Ok don't need to call that in.  Went inside and enjoyed the party.  Kiwi was over tired and squirrel-ee so we packed it in a bit early and headed home.  As I headed home I thought….this fire just needs a little wind and it will be at our place in no time.  So as soon as I got home I put Kiwi down for a nap and began packing an evac bag. My brain was going a million times a minute.  See as I drove into the neighbourhood I took the long way home and at the top of the street you could see flames in the trees.  So feeling a little panicked I didn't know where to start or what to pack or even if I should pack.  So I started with the important things, the irreplaceable things.  Photo albums, all the memory cards, the external hard drive, insurance papers, mortgage papers, etc.  Then I packed a bag for us to be able to survive for 3 days.  So 3 changes of clothes each, our toothbrushes etc…  All the while Kiwi is still not napping because the helicopters are flying right over our house.  Looking out the window they were using the lake water just across the road so every time they dipped down into it, it appeared like they were going to hit the top of our neighbours house.  They were super duper close.  So of course Kiwi is all into that and didn't want to nap.  No biggie, just stay in your room I asked him.  Well he didn't.  He decided that this was a good time to figure out how to unlock the deadbolt on the front door and run outside to watch the helicopters.  So while chasing him outside (because he will run out onto the street still) and coming back in to pack and then chasing him outside again I was a bit of a basket case.  Finally I had our bags packed.  B came home early due to the whole ordeal with some friends of ours that he works with that also live in our neighbourhood so that worked out nicely.   When he got home he put the 2 suitcases into the car and did a quick video of our house and contents for insurance reasons.  Then the cops came down the road and told us it was time to get out.  B had been home for maybe 10 minutes at that time.  Kiwi kept trying to pack his snow shovel into the trunk.  We tried to explain to him that we didn't need to take that with us.  I thought that part was funny.

We went to B's parents' house and stayed with them for the 3 nights that we were out of our home.  How generous of them to allow us to stay with them especially since they had company coming to stay with them too that weekend.  When I opened the suitcase to see what I had to wear I realized that I had packed some pre-pregnancy clothes.  Um…where are the clothes that fit right now?  Talk about a blond moment.  I'm going to chalk it up to panic.  So I had a couple of things to wear but mostly just tank tops .  Umm….yeah.  B's parent's were great.  They looked after Kiwi while we went to register as evacuees.  I'm so thankful for that because the process for registration took quite some time and I think Kiwi would not have lasted for very long in that env't.  While sitting there we ran into our cousin who had just moved into that area 3 weeks prior.  I gave her a welcome to the neighbourhood hug and we chatted until it was her turn to go up (she had arrived 2 hours ahead of us).  For some reason she didn't want to switch numbers with us, go figure.

That night I went to bed feeling fine.  At 4:50am I woke up to some pretty intense cramps.  I started to time them because they seemed to be coming and going.  Every 10 minutes I was getting them.  They were getting a little more strong each time.  I went upstairs to get some water and to sit still.  I figured maybe this could stop it or at least slow it down.  As I sat there and they didn't stop I was wondering do I wake anyone up?  I don't want to cause panic if there's nothing to worry about.  At this point I was 35 weeks pregnant.  Finally they stopped and I went back to bed.  They only lasted about an hour.  I've been told that my surgeon doesn't want me to labour for more than an hour so when it stopped I was so happy.  I told Sprout, you can't come out now, I don't even have a house to take you to, not to mention your nursery at our house hasn't even been started.

We were back in our home on Sunday evening.  The first thing I did was start the dishwasher.  After 3 days of sitting in there dirty I figured they would be oober stinky.  I was right.  Although we were out for a very short time considering how close the fire was to our home I was so grateful to be back.

3 weeks until due date.

Woah, again time got away from me.  Ah such is life I suppose and I don't suppose it's going to slow down any time soon.  I have thought about updating often but just didn't do it.  I found other things took priority, such as watching "The Bachelorette" (I didn't care for this season).  Anyways I"m here now so let's update shall we?

I have a scheduled c-section about a week earlier than my due date because of the vertical tear in my uterus.  I had an ultrasound the other day to determine the size (which is average) and fluid levels(which are perfect) and the position of the baby.  Well baby has my sense of direction is facing the wrong way so it would have been a c-section regardless of the tear being there or not.  My baby is a skater boarder punk already and is in the position of doing an Ollie (legs bent up behind) and is breech. I think that's all there is to update on Sprout. Although this morning I woke up craving root beer.  Um…weird.  It's only 6 am.  Don't' think I'm going to cave into that craving.  Normally I crave cherries and watermelon (same sort of things I craved with Kiwi).  

Speaking of Kiwi.  For the last week he's been waking up super early.  I mean I have seen a 5 as the first number on the clock every morning.  I walk him back to bed tell him it's still sleep time and he goes back to sleep. I however take 1-1.5 hours to fall back asleep which is just in time for him to wake up at a reasonable time and I'm exhausted for the rest of the day.  

A couple of weeks ago now we had to evacuate our home due to a forest fire.  What a stressful situation.  I don't recommend it.  However I am incredibly thankful for the emergency workers and how calm and organized the entire ordeal felt. I think this story warrants it's own entry though so that's all I'll say about it for now.  

Nesting has officially begun as of yesterday.  Just really random things scream out to me that they need to be cleaned.  It's like an unofficial spring cleaning is taking place.  Yesterday everything got washed.  The carseat covers (yes Kiwi's too), I vacuumed out one of the cars (the other one is getting done today), Did laundry (which is  normal weekly duty so it doesn't really count), cleaned out inside the fridge because you know the baby will definitely judge us if it weren't clean.  While I was cleaning it I was like, oooh this is a bit irrational I must be nesting. haha.  Because it was such a strong urge that it must be cleaned!  And you get the point….cleaning it's never ending and I'm happy it's getting done so once I'm recovering I won't have these little things sticking out to me to be done.  

In the nursery B drew animals on the wall and I am painting them in.   It is so relaxing and I love doing it.  I do have to take a million breaks as I get fatigued rather quickly.  But the room is looking super cute so far.  We are keeping it gender neutral because even though the first ultrasound they told us the gender the following 2 ultrasounds they couldn't get a clear picture and it came back as inconclusive so we decided we would not tell anyone (outside of our immediate family) what the gender is supposedly in case it is wrong.  So gender neutral nursery it is.  We painted the walls mint green and the animals are actually dark brown silhouettes.  We are doing a forest theme in this room.  The other day B and I came into our room and laid on the bed and looked up and realized we have some art work above our bed that is a tree and our bedspread is tree branches/leaves. That's when B said, in all our rooms we all have some sort of tree going on.  Funny I thought.  Guess we're a bunch of tree lovers.  

I am not looking forward to the recovery time of a c-section.  People keep telling me that it won't be so bad this time because it's planned and not emergency which will help immensely.  I am still sad that I won't be allowed to pick Kiwi up, and that I have to take it easy for the first couple of weeks.  I'm not good at sitting still.  I remember right after Kiwi was born I was sitting up in the bed to talk to some visitors we had and the nurse came in and told me to lay back down that I wasn't suppose to be sitting yet.  Ugh…I just want that part of this journey to be over.  Can we skip it somehow??  

I am so excited that next Saturday my sister and her family come to town.  I haven't seen them in person since Kiwi was born (just over 2 years ago).  We have a pool party to welcome them next Sunday with some other family members and I am stoked!   They will be in town for 10 days and I am so looking forward to spending time with them.  I can't believe my nephew is 13 already and my niece is 9!! Seriously time is flying by.  

My friend's little guy, the one who had the Berlin heart put in has just received a heart transplant and everything went very well.  It's only 9 days post op and he's been released from the hospital.  They are so excited and happy that they have a happy ending to their journey and that their home for the last 7 months is now a memory as they head home.  It's such a bittersweet situation.  You pray for a heart for the little person, but by praying for that you're praying that someone else has to suffer great loss as the heart has to come from somewhere (and at the age of the baby has to be around the same age).  So really in this situation my heart is torn in two directions.  Let's just focus on the rejoicing side for now though shall we(in blog world). 

Well I think that's all there is to update at this point. Thank you for coming back and reading.  I hope you have a great day and hopefully I'll update one more time before Sprout makes his/her appearance.  

June update

Hello.  So much has changed in the last month.  A month!!  Isn't that crazy that it's been that long since I've updated.  Oy!  I'd be surprised if anyone still comes back to read this blog since it's so inconsistently updated.  Any who onto something more interesting than my meaningless ramblings.  

I no longer am taking care of the boys I was looking after 3 days a week.  I was suppose to have them until the end of June, however their father lost his job and so they didn't need me for the remainder of the month.  Also the other little boy I was taking care of randomly will also not be coming back because the school year came to a shocking finish as of tomorrow due to the teachers' walk-out/strike which will take place on Monday.  So his mommy won't be needing to go to the school to help out so I will not be needed for him for the next two weeks.  So as of now I am done taking care of other people's children for the remainder of my pregnancy/newborn stage.  

Kiwi turned 2!!! Can you believe it?  I can't!  It's hard to wrap my mind around that he's a 2 year old already.  I feel like the last year went by so fast.  We had two birthday parties to celebrate.  One with 5 of his friends and the other with our families.  They were both a lot of fun, a lot of work, but a lot of fun!  He had a bug themed party.  He mostly enjoyed playing in the sandbox.  

The last couple of days we have been attempting toilet training, so that's been "fun".  Yesterday he had an accident and was completely unaware of it.  Today he had 2 accidents and both times as he was peeing he realized it and started to run to the washroom.  The first one he had finished peeing before he started to run, the second time he had just leaked a little bit and then finished in the potty.  So we're making progress, it's slow, but it's progress!!  I was planning on potty training after I was done with the boys at the end of the month, but since they are no longer coming I figured let's direct our attention towards that now.  Our system that we're using right now is going and sitting on the potty every 10 minutes.  Kiwi loves it because he gets a story read to him each time and the kid loves books!  We might have to go and get some new to us books at the library, mostly for my sanity, you can only read the same books so many times.  When he's not on the potty he runs around in his thicker than normal underwear (helps to soak up some of the leaks so it doesn't go all over the floor) and a t-shirt.  This way he's able to pull his own underwear down and be successful that way.  For nap and bed time I still put him in a diaper.  

Another thing that's new since the last update, I went to my doctor for an appointment a couple of weeks ago now and when I was there she told me that the surgeon had brought it to her attention that I would not be a good candidate for a VBAC (a natural birth after c-section).  Apparently my doctor had skimmed the report from the surgeon the last time and missed some pretty vital information.  She printed off the report for me to read for myself and I'm no medical expert but I understood what it was saying.  Basically when they had opened me up to get Kiwi out they discovered that my uterus had started to tear vertically along my left side leading all the way down to my cervix  (beginning stages of a ruptured uterus which is not a good scenario to find yourself in).  I was glad to hear that this was caught and fixed, but I was shocked, annoyed, angry, sad that I didn't find out about this until 2 years later and after I had set my mind on a VBAC and now that wasn't even an option.  So I came home had a good cry, let B know and by the next day I had come to terms with it and moved on.  I want sprout to come out as safe and sound and as healthy as possible and it doesn't matter how that is.  

Sprout is a mover!  Constantly fidgeting in there and I can hardly wait to meet him/her.  However there's a lot yet to do and I am happy that there's 9 weeks left to get things done.  We are going to be moving Kiwi into a big boy bed and taking the crib out of his room and giving it to his sibling.  We still have to paint the nursery (we're doing green). We still have 2 weddings to go to before my due date and several birthday parties.

Well that's about all there is to report.  Lots of news.  I'm sure I am missing something else in there, but that's all you're going to get for now.  

Oh and on my last post I had a stranger comment on my blog saying that they didn't appreciate all caps.  I have no idea what you're talking about as I only have capitals at the beginning of my sentences or on names/places…etc…where's they're grammatically needed.  I am sorry it offended you but I don't plan on changing they way I write.  

Until next time, 
Michelle

Mother's Day

Mother's day is a day to reflect and be thankful for all the mama's in our lives.  I have one very special Mom as well as a great Mother in law. I am very very thankful for their loving, kind and supportive natures.  I am also thankful for the other ladies in my life that have taken on the nurturing roll as a role model in my life representing that as a Mom to turn to for support when my own Mom might not have been readily accessible. (My best friends' Mom, my young adult pastor, even one of my managers at a restuarant I worked at).  

I am also aware that today can bring sadness and pain to some.  For some it's a stinging reminder of losing their Mom. It may also be a crippling reminder of not yet being a mother.  3 years ago I knew this first hand.  I was in my 3rd round of failed infertility treatment. I had just had a misscarriage in February and I could barely bring myself out of bed on Mother's Day.  I just didn't feel I had it in me to face the day.  (The hormones that they pump into you also make you feel a little crazy in the head and you almost feel out of control of your own emotions).  I remember that day having to leave the service at church because I was just so upset. So on this day I want to be super sensitive to those who are struggling with the not so joyous parts of Mother's day.  If that's you, I send you a virtual hug and if you even need an ear to listen please don't hesitate to call, or ask.  

Happy news on this Mother's Day.  2 of my friends who have been struggling with infertility for several years (One for 5 years and the other for 9 years - those are years people not months!!)  have announced that they are pregnant!!! I am over the moon excited for them.

Today I also reflect on my own kiddo.  Kiwi is such a blessing in life, no words can describe it, how thankful I am to get to be his Mommy.  Being a parent has its struggles at times, but it is far outweighed by the joy it brings to watch the world through a little person's eyes.  I love being a momma and every bit of hardship along the way, every sacrifice, every tear (and there were a lot!) was worth it. 

A picture of Kiwi and Sprout.  

I may be biased but this little man captures my heart with his genuine, caring nature and smile.

(I love this picture of sprout, he/she is upside down with their hands up by their head - Wee!)

A very Happy Mother's Day to all the ladies in my life.  I hope today is able to bring you happiness as you reflect and celebrate your Mom.  

Can you keep a secret?

Hello.  Where has the time gone.  The last time I posted I was 17 weeks and I seriously feel like that was just a few days ago, alas I am now 22 weeks along. Crazy sauce I tell you!  Last week B and I and Kiwi went to see the baby at the ultra sound.  This was to check to make sure all babies' organs were doing what they are suppose to do.  I however have to go back in a months time to re-do some of the checks because baby would not hold still long enough to get a clear picture, (mostly of the heart - which is a big concern in my eyes because of some of the issues my friends and family have had as of lately with their little ones). They gave me the option of re-doing it and I chose yes just to ease my mind.  We did find out the gender but we will not be revealing what it is as of yet.  We want to be able to share it with our immediate family first.  When we announced we were pregnant it got leaked out of the "family circle" somehow and it was crushing to me to find out others knew our secret before we got to share our own news. After telling some cousins about our news one had told us that they already knew because so and so had told them a long time ago.  This made me sad to tell you the truth.  I even had ladies coming up to me in church (that I had never really talked to before) congratulating me and it was like, um, thanks, who are you and who told you?  I guess I'm just sensitive to it because it's something I would like to share on my own time and not have others share it for me.  I try to really keep it under wraps when others tell me their news because it's their news to share and I guess I would just appreciate the same type of courtesy. 

Rant over.

Today I was thinking about my grandparents.  I went outside to hang the "please don't ring the bell, baby sleeping" sign on the doorbell when I looked into the flower bed.  There are daffodils already open and they look so pretty.  I remembered going to my grandparents' house and after each visit in the summer my Grandpa would cut us each a rose to take home. He had an amazing rose garden of at least 7 types of roses.  I love this memory.  It always made me feel so special.  

22 week update:
Cravings:  Anything sour (green apples is a favourite and pink lemonade) 
Maternity wear:  Not yet
Gender guess:  I think boy(I'm going with my guess pre-screening we'll have to wait to see if I was right or wrong)
Mood:  Extremely moody - all over the place
Sleep:  Sleep insomnia - wake up to pee takes 1-2 hours to get back to sleep. (This may explain the moodiness)
Movement:  Does it ever stop moving?  It's one hyper active child
Different than the last time?:  Yes and No.  I'm not sick this time around and the baby is just as hyper as Kiwi was

Hi, it's been a while

I am 17 weeks pregnant and it still feels surreal.  I think because this time around I am not sick like I was with Kiwi.  With Kiwi I was sick the entire time (at least every second day). This time around the morning sickness ended at week 9.  I find that at my doctor appointments my anxiety level is lowered after I hear the heartbeat but 2 weeks after my appointment my anxiety level begins to rise once again. I wonder if everything is going ok in there since I have yet to feel the baby move.  But alas everything is going alright, we just heard the babies heartbeat once again last week.  Ask me again in a week how I'm doing.  Hopefully by then I will be feeling this little sprout move. (Update since I wrote this paragraph I have started feeling the beginning flutters of the baby moving - Yay!)

I have to say I am in love with the spring weather that has finally emerged.  I don't know why but this winter seemed to drag on for what seemed to be forever.  I think it was because January was so nice and spring like and then winter came back for February which was just mean.  I enjoy the snow, don't get me wrong, I just don't like it returning after it's left for a month.  Spoiled I know.  Anyways, since spring has seemed to really sprung, Kiwi and I have been enjoying the outside every day!  

Today we went to the park and there was another little boy lying on the ground having a full blown temper tantrum.  Kiwi decided that he would go and join him (he's been doing this lately) and went and lied down beside him and laughed.  It stopped the other little boy from crying but I was kind of embarrassed that my child seemed to be mocking this other child.  After the other little boy got up Kiwi continued to get up and then throw himself on the ground, roll around and then get up and repeat.  I found it really funny, as Kiwi thought this was a game.  The other little boy's mom said, "see that's what you look like, doesn't it look silly".  He just stared at Kiwi, and then a smile emerged.  

Like I said before Kiwi's been doing this lately.  It's happened a few times where his friend will lie down and cry and he'll just go and lay beside them and smile at them or laugh.  Every time the other child has stopped, probably more in confusion than anything else.  Since it's only helped to stop I haven't stopped him from doing it.  However, the moment it escalates the behaviour I will indeed step in.  

The other day I had a very strange dream.  I'm going to go ahead and chalk it up to pregnancy dream.  It started at a conference B and I had gone to.  Instead of a speaker though everyone was to participate in improv scenarios.  When the one scene was done then those actors would go and high five someone in the audience to take over their seat.  Then the person to the left of you got to choose the part you would play in the next scenario.  After the conference was over we decided to go out.  We ended up at this club where I got very intoxicated.  It was when we got home that I remembered that I was pregnant.  I was so distraught and mad at myself.  The next day everyone from the conference got summoned to come back.  Apparently there was a diabetes outbreak and everyone had to be tested.  B was getting upset with me thinking that I was afraid to poke my finger.  I explained to him that I wasn't afraid to poke my finger, but didn't know where to put the blood for the test and didn't want to bleed everywhere so I was waiting for the nurse to come by so I could ask.  Then I woke up.  When I woke up I was so confused and I was still very upset about the drinking part of my dream.  It took me about half a day to get over it.  Where do these thoughts come from??  So weird!  

A week to forget

This has been a challenging week.  The two little guys I take care of 3 times a week had last week off. Coming back has proven to be hard to transition back.  Not only has it been hard for them to come back (different set of rules than at home) but they have had extra long days here.  Instead of 7 hours they have been here 9 hours because the father's work schedule had gotten switched for this week.  On Tuesday the 3.5 year old had a 40 minute melt down.  40 minutes!!!! Insane!  The beginning thing was when I told him that the trains were closed for 5 minutes because they were fighting over the trains and not sharing, so they could go and find something else to play for 5 minutes.  I then had to go to the loo because well that just seems to be my life these days, and when I came out of the washroom he was peeling the decals off the wall and crumpling them.  I told him it's ok to be mad but it's not ok to wreck things or break things when we're mad and that now he had to have a time out for wrecking things.  So he had his 3 minute time out.  As soon as it was done I went over and talked to him, that's when the water works started and they didn't stop.  After I was done talking with him (him still crying) I said once you're calm you can get off the chair and go play.  I told him this several times.  You know you have a choice, you can sit here and cry or you can go and play.  It was time for a snack and I asked him if he was going to come upstairs for a snack or sit and cry?  He chose to cry.  I was like, really?!!?  What am I missing here??  I figured that by this time he was just exhausted and done (it was 4pm and they usually go home at 3:30). Finally he stopped after 40 mins of bone chilling, eyes turning in towards my nose shrill crying. (It sounded as though someone was torturing the child yet no one was near him).  

The next time they came, Thursday when they arrived he was already in hysterics because he had been trying to convince his mom to take him to the pet store to see the snakes.  When she failed to meet his request (because she had to go to work) he became hysterical.  And not only that but he was coming to my house (The house of rules!!!)  (Seriously I don't have that many rules, we have to share, we have to take turns, no hitting, no kicking, no throwing - that's it!)  So he sat on the stairs and cried, and cried, and cried.  B had worked late the night before so he was still sleeping and when I came into the room to grab a pair of socks he asked what I was doing to the kid.  I told him, nothing, he wants to go to the pet store.  B was irritated to say the least.  (This kids cry is not fun to listen to even through two closed doors!)  After the little ones were done their breakfast (oh yeah did I mention that they came unfed but with breakfast in a bag) we headed down stairs.  I told him he had to join us because we are a group and we have to stick together.  We went into the back toy room and he continued to sit and pout for another hour and a half.  Total of 2 hours from the time he arrived to the time he started playing.  We went upstairs for a snack, he did not want to go upstairs so I told him he had 5 seconds to go or I would carry him up.  As soon as I said 5 he was up the stairs.  As soon as the kid had some food in his belly his entire demeanour changed.  He was back to the happy kid I remembered!  We played and had a great time.  (This was another 9 hour day).  By the time 4pm came again he was done.  He started to play rough with the toys and I had to ask him to be more gentle or we couldn't play with them any more.  He was gentle for about 2 mins and then the roughness came into play once again. I reminded him that we had to be gentle.  He growled at me.  Now I didn't mention this before, but he had growled at me once before in the day and I had told him that wasn't appropriate behaviour, I didn't appreciate being growled at and that he had words he can use to tell me how he feels.  So once he growled at me for the second time I immediately cleaned up our activity and explained to him that growling is not acceptable and it means that our activity is over.  The water works began again.  I also told him that sitting and crying was not an option and that he needed to go and find something else to play.  (This might seem harsh, however I didn't have it in me to take another 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 2 hours of this shrill crying any more).  He immediately stopped crying and just stared at me, like can she really tell me I can't cry? Stare.  He eventually found something else to play and then his dad arrived 1 hour early (Thank goodness!!!)  So the water works began as soon as he saw his dad.  I explained to his dad what had been going on and this next part makes my blood boil.  He told him that he bought him a new toy and that it was in the car. (Kind of explained the behaviour he's dishing out, bad behaviour rewarded with new toys)  I'm going to end that day with that.  

Then Friday he arrived again in hysterics.  Before I even opened the door I was done.  I felt bad for having these feelings but honestly, this is getting ridiculous.  I reluctantly opened the door.  His mom apologized for this.  I told her, we'll get through it.  She left.  Again B had worked late the night before so he was still sleeping.  I explained to him that because Kiwi's dad is still sleeping we can't cry like that today, we have to be quiet.  I was surprised but it worked.  He stopped crying.  I also told him again that sitting and crying was not an option today and that we had a lot of things we could play.  I purposefully made the day's activities fun, we went to the park, we played with balloons, we pretty much had a party day.  At first he still wanted nothing to do with what we were all doing, but eventually (10 mins) he gave in, we were just having way too much fun to not want to join.  The rest of the day went over really great!  We had a blast and when their dad came everyone had huge smiles on their faces.  Back to normal I thought.  

Monday, thinking we had success on Friday and that things were going to be back to normal I was actually looking forward to them coming.  Then they pulled up, 10 minutes early.  Again the older was in hysterics, seriously what is going on with this kid???  I opened the door, his mom said I am sorry I don't know what this is all about.  In order to make him somewhat happy she carried him upstairs. He sat on the couch where she had put him down and cried, once she left he cried for 5 minutes more and then he got up and played.  Later, during lunch, I asked him why he was so upset when he comes over.  He told me it was because he didn't get to finish watching his show.  I asked him, Do you like coming here to play?  And he said yes.  I told him that I feel sad when he arrives crying because it makes me feel like he doesn't want to come and play.  I could see in his face that he understood this.  Here's hoping Wednesday's arrival is different.  If not I might have to ask his parents if they think we're the right fit for him.  I don't want to be traumatizing the child, plus I don't want to take on that stress every day thank you.  They also got picked up 15 minutes late.  Not a big deal I know, but that is time I had set aside for Kiwi's nap time.  Luckily everyone was happy and having so much fun with Kiwi's new kitchen toy.  

Here I've just been focusing on the 3.5 year olds behaviour in the last week.  The other two have things they need to work on too (such as sharing, grabbing) it's just that the bigger guy's behaviour/attitude has been more to deal with this week that I needed to vent it out.  The little brother is very sensitive and when his brother cries he starts to cry and wants to be held.  He too has a not so quiet cry.  At one point during the week all 3 of them were crying at the same time.  I literally stopped and laughed.  It was such a gong show!  I also want to say this is not how the days usually go, we usually have so much fun that the time just flies by (although I do need to have a nap most days after they go).  I am sure my hormones are doing there work in there too with my frustration level at it's all time low.  I just take an extra bathroom break if I need to regroup.  

Until next time, 
Michelle

Pregnancy Guilt

It's a funny thing really.  When struggling with fertility issues I joined a support group online.  It was a great place to go and talk and support one another because we understood each other.  We got it when someone would say something insensitive and we would lift each other up on a bad day.  Our group struggled through miscarriages, frustrations, failed cycle after cycle and we also celebrated when someone had gotten their dream.

Being on the other side of it is a totally different story.  When you get that positive test I felt almost numb, shocked, and I didn't believe it.  Another feeling that came with it surprised me.  Guilt.  I felt so guilty for being able to graduate the infertility issue, but what about my friends?  I wanted them all to "graduate".  I felt guilty because why did I get pregnant and that girl that has been waiting for 5 years still not get her prayer answered.  

This time around is no different.  If anything the guilt is stronger.  I am pregnant again. We have our second baby on the way when some of my friends are still waiting for their first.  My heart breaks for them as I know and understand the frustrations and the feelings of injustice that come with infertility. Why can that teenage girl who doesn't want to get pregnant be blessed, but the woman who is ready and wanting a baby have to struggle.  It doesn't make any sense. And the more you try to make sense of it the more it doesn't.  

I have someone close to me that has been trying to get pregnant for years, and as B and I were waiting in the waiting room for our ultra sound out she walked and let me know that she is expecting her first baby!  I am beyond words excited for her!  We had been seeing the same fertility doctor since before I got pregnant with Kiwi.  I didn't have the heart to tell her that we too were expecting.  I wanted to revel in her joy and excitement!  

It's so weird.  I remember having such judgmental thoughts in my early 20's when I would watch the Baby Story on T.V.  when the women would say they had to do fertility treatment.  I use to think, they just need to relax, and not stress about it and it will happen.  I was so naive and so ignorant.  I feel guilty about having those thoughts and I hope and pray I never said anything insensitive to someone struggling.  

Another emotion that comes with infertility is anger. I don't do well with anger.  I don't know how to let it out.  I tend to bottle it up or ignore it.  It's easier to deal with it if I don't acknowledge it.  However it does show it's ugly face now and then.  I don't know why but when someone announces their pregnancy and says they weren't even trying, it strikes up anger in me.  I know the expected reaction is to be happy but I honestly have to say my first reaction is anger/jealousy and it is not fun.  I don't want that to be my first reaction.  B helps me put it in check right away.  I tend to withdrawal for a bit just to get myself to a place of happiness for them.  I should rephrase that, it's not that I'm not happy for them, because I really am.  I just feel the unjust for those who have been waiting and trying so hard.  Does this make any sense?  Maybe I'm on the crazy train?! I am not elegant with my words or have the ability to clearly voice my feelings.  

I have another friend who just told me that she is struggling with getting pregnant and that when she told her best friend she was not supportive of her decision to start a family because it interfered with her plans.  This I don't understand.  How can someone else's dreams and desires interfere with another's life plans?  Shouldn't you support your best friend?  I just don't understand this.  And with an issue when you're struggling you seek support where ever you can find it, and I would assume my best friend would have my back and be there to rely on, to vent to.  But she doesn't even want to hear about it.  So my friend has turned to others to find support where she can.  It just seems like an unnecessary stress to add onto the plate and a wedge in friendship.  (I know this is not my issue it's just something I find to be strange).  

On a happy note (and this is where I will end this post) my very close friend T is going to be having her second baby in April.  She and I also went to the same fertility specialist with both our kids. As well as the same Baby doctor.   I am so very excited to be pregnant at the same time as her and our seconds will be only a few months apart. (Our firsts are a year apart and they get along so well and we love it!) 

Until next time,
Michelle

The emotional rollercoaster, hold on tight!

This pregnancy has been more of an emotional roller coaster than when I was pregnant with Kiwi.  I'm serious when I say anything can set off the water works.  A commercial, a thought, when I stub my toe.      I find it to be so weird because my mind will say this is crazy why are you crying?  And my eyes will say shut up, it's time to leak!

The mood swings are very apparent this time around as well.  I'm not just crying but getting grumpy over nothing.  In my mind I know it's crazy to get upset over something so small, yet I just can't seem to let it go.  This makes me feel like I'm losing my mind, or at least my self control.  Don't worry, I don't act out on my anger/grumpiness, I just tend to voice it out or put myself in a time out until I can regain control of myself.

I'm also finding myself so much more exhausted this time around.  Maybe it's because I have a toddler that I'm running after all day long (not to mention the extra 2 I take in 3 times a week).  I find by 8pm I am so ready to go to bed.  My eyes start closing on their own and I can't seem to fight it.  However, I try because I really want some quiet time, time to unwind.  I know sleep seems like the ultimate unwind time, but it some how feels like being robbed of free time if you just sleep it away.  Does that make sense?  Maybe I'm talking nonsense.

I had  a dream last night that I just remembered about just now.  I had a dream that I won a year supply of slurpees.  It was an amazing dream and I really wish that one would come true.  I love slurpees!!!

A little Christmas Cheer 2 months later

Hello. This post is being written in December but most likely won't be posted until February.  So if it sounds outdated that is why.

Two Monday's ago (Dec 9) I had a massage appointment booked.  I always take a pregnancy test before I go just in case because if I am she isn't suppose to go as deep in my lower back.  Anyways,  I took one not expecting anything to be there because well we just didn't put too much energy into trying this month because of a vacation we were on.  I came back at the 4 minute mark and there it was, a second line.  I was shocked.  I didn't even react.  I just stood there and stared at it and then figured that it was my eyes playing tricks on me, or because it was so light it was an evaporation line or something. I tried to explain it away not allowing myself to get my hopes up.  So I did what any normal person would do.  I took another test. Again a second line showed up.  Still not allowing myself to believe what I was seeing I called my specialist who set up a blood test for that afternoon.  I went to my massage appointment and told her "There's a possibility I might be pregnant".  She was so happy for me, I still in shock said, it's not for sure yet.

The next day I got the call from the specialists office and they told me that in fact I have the pregnancy hormone in my body but would like to do another blood test in a few days to make sure the number is going up because at this point the number is really low.  She said it could be because I was very very early along. So on Thursday I went for a blood test as soon as they opened so I could get the results that afternoon.  When the nurse called she said that they like to see the number reach between a 60-100 by that time and that my number had reached 141.  So things were on track but they still wanted to recheck it on Monday.  So again, first thing Monday morning I went and got my blood drawn (I seriously had a bruise on my elbow from where I kept getting poked) and that afternoon they still hadn't called. So I called them, I was just so curious if everything was progressing, if everything is real?  There was no answer so I left a message.  After 3:30 went by and they hadn't called back yet I chalked it up to having to wait until Tuesday to find out (they close at 3:30).  At 4 the phone rang.  It was them.  When I answered the phone the nurse told me that everything was looking great and that my number was now in the 800's so we could go ahead and book an ultrasound.  Woot!!  So we booked it for Jan 6 at 9am.  I can hardly wait.  It would have been scheduled for next week but because of the holiday season they are closed so I will have to wait a little longer.

I was still shocked that it was real.  How is it that you pray pray pray pray for something and wish for it with all your might and then it happens and you just can't believe it!  On the Friday of B's work party we dropped Kiwi off at B's parents' house.  When we returned to pick him up he was sleeping and B's mom was talking to B's dad on FaceTime.  We had discussed in the car that we would tell them only if B's dad was already talking to B's mom when we got there because we wanted to tell them together.  When we walked in and saw that they in fact were talking to each other we had the green light to tell them.  Brenton explained to them that part of their Christmas present was going to be delayed and wouldn't arrive until August.  B's dad got it right away.  It was funny to watch B's mom work it out and then she looked at me and asked, "really?"  and I nodded and she jumped up and gave us both a hug.

A few days later I was talking to my mom on the phone and she flat out asked me if I was.  I told her we were still in the waiting process  (this was happening during all the blood test fiasco so I wasn't ready to tell anyone yet until I got the green light from the nurse).  So I called her after dinner one evening and I asked Kiwi to say a few words that he had learned.  "Mama, Baby, Tummy".  My mom asked, "Are you trying to tell me something Kiwi" (expect she used his name not Kiwi) and I told her yes he is.  She was very happy and excited and said, "I just knew it!" (Which I've never understood why people say that, it's kind of weird).

A couple days, after that I was talking to my sister.  Ok I talk to her almost daily but this particular time B was home while I was talking to her and that's what I was waiting for.  We were talking about how they might be coming to visit us in August and then she and B were bantering about her kids and where they're going to say.  Then B said, "Well I don't know if we're able to take care of 4 kids at that time".  My sister was like, 4 kids???  And you could see her counting out who all there was and she was like, who's the 4th kid??  We waited and then it clicked.  It was so much fun to watch her reaction.  Her hubby said something along the lines on how he got it right away and she was like, "you knew already? How long have you known? And he replied "I just found out at the same time you did, I just got it faster"  Anyways we all had a good laugh and my niece immediately asked me if it was a boy or a girl.  Which of course I didn't have an answer to.

At this point we have yet to tell my brother and any of B's siblings.  We will most likely tell them on Christmas and boxing day.  I am so very happy and excited and I pray that this baby sticks and grows healthy and strong.  I so badly want to be able to give Kiwi the gift of a sibling!

We told B's brother T and his wife on Skype on Christmas eve.  They were unfortunately not able to make the trip out due to medical issues so we wanted to tell them.  I can't remember exactly how B told them but he tried to sneak the info into the conversation.  They said they had a sense that they would be getting this news from us.

The next day B and I arrived late for Christmas dinner.  When we arrived it was basically time to sit down and so we took Kiwi's sweater off.  Under his sweater he was wearing a onesie that said, "Big Brother (in training)"  At first nobody noticed it. Then one of B's brothers asked, "Is that a new shirt?"  and we said "yep" and he asked, "is it true?"  and we said, "yep" and he said, "cool" and then time went on a little bit more before the others caught on and once the girls noticed than the cheering and hugs started.  It was a fun and happy moment!

The following day was Christmas with my side of the family.  When B was praying for the meal he said, "and let all 8 of us have a wonderful evening celebrating".  After he was finished my dad started counting.  He was confused as he was only counting 7.  I recounted the number of people at the table and said, I count 8.  My dad was like, are you trying to tell us something?  And I was like, "yep"  and he smiled.  My sister in law was confused as to why were counting people at the table in the first place. We explained to her what had just happened and then she was like, oh my! haha. It was funny.  Again it was said that the news was almost anticipated and expected.

This just confuses me, how could everyone know it was coming when I didn't think it was?  I seriously thought that November was a month not worth counting and considered a wasted month.  What do I know?!