Dreams

 Dreams are interesting.  I once heard or read (not sure which) that if you remember your dream when you wake up it was in fact a message not a dream. Well I had such last night/this morning. I woke up and it had been so vivid and real and really stuck with me. So much so that I wanted to go back to sleep so I could really finish it even thought I already understood that was as far as the story was going to go.  Let's get into it shall we.  

The dream: I was in college (hello throw back). There was a weird vote going on and the two people with the lowest amount of votes would have to do a floor cleaning face off. This was no ordinary dirty floor. It was linoleum flooring with all kinds of grease, oil, black goop really dug into the mini crevices. It was a super long floor (think 1/4 length of a football field). We were given a tiny scrubby, metal in texture. It was a daunting task. As I walked up towards the competition I was feeling defeated, over powered. Down on myself.  I was in this position because I had the lowest or 2nd lowest votes of the entire school body to be there.  I had to prove my worth in staying. It wasn't fair. 

As I got closer I heard a small still voice. "Talk to me".  As I started cleaning I prayed. I continued to pray for the school body, I prayed that everyone learning there would go into the world and spread kindness and love. That they would be enriched with knowledge to really help in their field of specialty.  I also just prayed to talk to God. Not to ask for anything, just to talk and be in his presence. Suddenly I was stopped by the organizer. I had finished cleaning and didn't realize it.  I was so busy in chatting with God that not only did I not notice that I was done cleaning, I was frantically searching for more dirt to clean so I didn't have to stop. 

This may seem like a really weird dream that makes no sense. But to me it brought comfort.  I have learned in the last couple of weeks that 3 people in my family have cancer. I learned this in the matter of 4 hours. I was numb for about a week after learning this.  We as a family decided to go camping. A great place to reset and process I thought.  Well, not so much. When we got there there was a large forest fire near by and we were constantly being covered in ash. Then 2 days later we found out there was a large forest fire near our home and we were now in evacuation order. Meaning we couldn't go home for the foreseeable future. My thoughts were, "yep. This seems about right". I think it was super helpful in a way that my feelings and thoughts were numb. It helped me to see it for what it is, it's just stuff. What's important are the people and animals are safe and sound. Everything else is just a replaceable thing.  

How does it relate to this dream you may be wondering. I'm taking it as this, there's so much gross, dirty, toxic filth in our lives. We can focus on this and have a doom and gloom outlook on it. Or we can get down on our hands and knees, pray through it and spend some time with our heavenly Father who won't leave us in our times of struggle. He will meet us in the filth and grime and see us through.  Also he's an amazing conversationalist. When you tune your ear to hear Him, you never want the conversation to end.

Sending much love and kindness your way. Love God. Love Others

Michelle 

Gracious Receiver

 Tis the season to give generously and receive graciously.  I believe the first part of that statement is pretty straight forward. Even what may seem small to you, may feel like the world to the person you're giving it to.  We don't really know the struggles each of our friends and family face. We may think we know, but really does everyone really divulge the hard ugly truths all of the time? It shows that we were thinking of them. 

The second part of that statement might seem weird. Of course I'm thankful and grateful for whatever someone may give me, you may be thinking. Or perhaps it isn't the right gift and you feel like you were so clear on what you had asked for.  Instead of getting caught up in the item, perhaps look at the connection that could be between you and the giver. I had a friend today say, "I bought you a gift, I really hope you like it".  I told her she could have gotten me a piece of poop and I would thank her for the fertilizer.  It's not the gift that makes our friendship, it's our connection. 

When we give we actually receive at the same time. We receive that feeling of happiness when we see the recipient happy with the gift we have chosen for them. When you show you don't like the gift someone gave you it can cause feelings of rejection in their heart. So even if you don't love the gift, receive it graciously. "Thank you so much for thinking of me". Having a grateful and gracious receiving heart will take us a long way. 

Happy Holidays,

Michelle

Parenting Backwards

 About a week an half ago I had some family come to visit me at my home. I hadn't seen the one member for over 20 years (she lives overseas). The visit started out lovely, fun and lighthearted. However it soon took a turn. I felt bullied and picked on. It didn't feel good and I have to say I went into a trauma nervous system response of Freeze. I felt terrible after the visit, not so much for what was said to me but for not standing up and defending my children in the moment.  

There was name calling (calling my smallest child an Imp and a Trouble Maker). This was particularly hurtful because my youngest has an expressive delay. So on top of the initial frustration she also has the frustration of knowing what she wants to say but can't connect the wire in her brain that connects the brain to the ability to verbalize it. So it's a frustration layered with another frustration. This makes her tend to react with a scream, clenched fists, red face, and the occasional hitting or pinching. Understandably so I think.  She needs to be coached through these emotions. It looks different from a neurotypcial child. First we calm the verbal frustration, take some breaths, ease our mind, slow things down. Then we work together to find the words she's looking for to express herself in a socially acceptable way. Then we work through the initial frustration. 

After one of these situations occurred we had finished the calming the first frustration then she walked away in defiance before we could walk through the initial frustration, so I counted backwards from 3 for her to return to me. She complied. We worked through the 2nd part and at the end she went inside to find a place (she needs quiet to regulate. She returns when she's ready). After she had left for her re-regulation time my Aunt told me, "You know your parenting backwards right?" To which I asked, "How do you mean?" She went on to tell me that when she counted to 3 her kids knew that if she got to 3 they would get a whollop. Even her 24 year old came home to visit and was fighting with her brother so she began to count and they stopped right away because they knew she meant business. I remained silent. I don't know if it was freeze response or just good sense to not engage in such a toxic conversation. The rest of the visit went downhill from there.   Where everything I said and did, or my children said or did was criticized and pointed out. (There were more than 10 occasions of this happening - it was pretty constant, I'll only mention a couple).

The visit began at 1:30 in the afternoon. I wasn't expecting dinner guests so when it was already 5pm I asked if I should order pizza. We would be ordering Hawaiian as that's the only kind our children will eat. They moaned at that being the only choice. (They did not offer to pay and I wasn't prepared to order pizza that would be leftover that no one in our home would eat afterwards. Also by this point I was pissed so it was a take it or leave it (or just leave) statement. We went ahead and ordered the pizza.  I brought out paper plates (the night before I had a family dinner that wasn't of my planning at our home and had just done a bunch of dishes the night before so I figured this was a good alternative and easy clean up...plus we were eating outside). The paper plates were scoffed at. Again I didn't react. Take it or leave it (or just leave) was my mindset at this point.  

By this time it's 5:30 so my youngest asked if she could have a granola bar and bring one out for my cousin's kid.  I agreed.  I know that it takes at least 45-60 mins for pizza to arrive and our kids tend to eat at 5 so they were hungry and they had been swimming all afternoon. This was brought to my attention, "You're going to let your kids eat a granola bar before dinner?" I didn't respond pretending I didn't hear the question. She repeated it, and I, on purpose looked at her but still did not respond.  She knew she had been acknowledged but I was not engaging in this weird word battle she wanted so desperately to have with me. (Again this was after 4 hours of constant belittlement, I don't normally encourage one to ignore someone when they ask a simple question. This was more than a simple question at this point and was trying to pull out any reaction out of me which I was not willing to give). 

So what's the point to this? Why write about my family crap? Well the thing is I've been doing all this personal reflective work and trying to change the path that I grew up knowing.  This whole visit had been a triggering event that took me straight back to my childhood.  Growing up this is how some of the adults on my Mom's side had talked to us and treated us. The only difference is now I'm not a child and I have done some inner child work to build my self worth, learn how to have some self compassion and to evaluate what is said to me. (Basically reparent myself). Is it true? Is there merritt in what is said? If the answer is no then I let it go. That doesn't belong to me. If the answer is yes there is some truth in it or it's all true, then it's time to reflect and realize what I'm doing, why I'm doing it and make changes or accept it about myself. The majority of the things that were said to me or about my kids during this visit didn't have truth, had no merritt, were not said in kindness, love or encouragement so they were easily let go.  That was all a hurt person's projection. 

The one thing that did stick, and took me over a week to process was "You know you're parenting backwards right?" Why couldn't I let this one go? What was the truth in it that I was struck with?  It was said with an intent to insult. Why was it sticking?  Well this last week we went camping and there was one night when it rained at 3am. My husband and I jumped out of bed to put things under cover. When we got back in bed I couldn't sleep. I lied awake until 6am. The whole time my brain circling why this phrase was still on my mind (talk about giving up too much free rent in the brain). But it came to me at about 5:30am, the quiet still voice said, "Parenting backwards, this is good. The person still trapped in the generational trauma would see this as backwards. It's been turned around. It's foreign to them. Continue to go straight". So in fact it wasn't an insult at all, it was actually encouraging! The path is now going the other way! 

I'm not claiming to be a perfect parent, or that I have things figured out, furthest thing from it. I'm learning this road as I go. There will be mis-steps, there will be mistakes but as long as I come back to God's word, keep Him as the focus I will correct and continue on. 

The generation I grew up with as my adults, I believe took the verse, "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him" Proverbs 13:24 out of context.  I need to do some more research to see what that verse was actually implying. I get that there does need to be harder disciplines for bigger issues. However, this verse seemed to give my surrounding adults the permission to just hit the child into submission. They had obviously skipped the verse that says, "Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children" Ephesians 5:1 

Does Jesus beat you for every minor error? Does Jesus refuse to acknowledge your feelings and leave you in the mud to find your own way out?  Does he constantly criticize or demean you? Does he mock you? 

My Jesus sits with me in the mud. He doesn't force me to get out and ignore the mud. He walks with me through hard times and doesn't abandon me in my times of needing someone to talk to. He has his moments of discipline where I need to recorrect, acknowledge my wrongs and repent which comes with consequences but he doesn't revel in it. He doesn't get his own emotional release from it. 

I'm a follower of Jesus and I hope I can teach my kids that they can come to me with their emotions and I won't run away from them or force them to suppress them because I can't handle my own, let alone be triggered by theirs.  This is the generational trauma that is in my family. It's hard to change it, it's a lot of weird looking work but oh it's so much better. There is so much freedom and joy. I want my kids to be able to succeed in life and have the focus on what they want to do. I want to support them in the best way possible, therefore I must do the work. 

Growing up I felt I needed to help regulate my parents emotions. I acted as their marriage counsellor from the time I was 14 until I moved out. Poop hit the fan 2 weeks after I moved out, where police were involved.  A child should not be in charge of an adults work. There's a lot of research on this particular subject but it's a tangent for another day. 

My toolbox is different. With learning what the traumas are and working on changing them, my tools have upgraded to powertools. Where other's in my family are still using their manual tools. They may both work in their own ways.  When all you've known is one way I can understand the perspective of it looking backwards.  It's up to us to upgrade the toolbox we were given instead of just accepting them as what it is. It's time to break the cycle. 

It's exhausting and lonely at times. It's also interesting and I love finding some really cool new tools to try and see if they work. It's amazing to see my kids growing. It's also so cool to see the changes in myself and my mindset. It's empowering. 

I still kick myself for not standing up in the moment. I think it was more out of shock and then going back in my mind to the little girl I was and how that was how I was talked down to. It took me a few hours but I did address the issues with my Mom and told her that type of behaviour will not be tolerated. It was not ok. (As she not just sat there and listened during the visit, but also jumped in at points). I get it, it's easier to join the negative forces than stand against them and take their projection. Speaking up was a huge milestone marker for myself. Normally I would have just let it go unmentioned and internalized it.  By speaking it out, letting it be known I found I was able to let go of the anger and resentment so much quicker. New boundaries have been laid and I can see personal growth through this experience. 

Keep the growing and learning going. 

Michelle

Inner Work Begins.

 I'm on a journey. A inner healing journey. I have been doing a lot of studying on personalities and a lot of studying on inner child work. I feel like maybe I have a little insight to what some others may be experiencing but have yet to do the work or don't know where to start. I was very lost within myself before I started. I didn't really even understand myself, and most days I still feel this way to be honest. If you asked me what I wanted for dinner I couldn't tell you. If you asked me what I don't want for dinner, that's an easier one to figure out. 

Who am I? What a deep yet simple question to which there is no simple answer. If we were talking about the Enneagram I would tell you I'm a 9w1.  If we were talking about the Myers Briggs I would tell you I'm an INFJ. I don't understand the fascination on being one. I was actually quite upset when it told me that it was a rare type. I was in the search of finding others like me, to find someone who could relate to the way I think. Alas that wasn't going to be an easy feat after all. Lonely. "I guess I'm figuring out this stuff on my own", is what I thought. 

Growing up our emotions were not talked through. They weren't acknowledged. In fact most of the time they were dismissed or mocked. Sharing feelings, true deep down feelings wasn't safe, they would be used against you or to embarrass you at a later time. I learned to read the room, read other people, feel their emotions so that I could predict what they needed to avoid certain moods. I was a co-dependant. I helped my parents with regulating their emotions and their conflicts. I was a child and I had a job. Children should not have jobs. 

I was witness to some very despicable behaviours by adults. We had the family that looked good in public, went to church, did all the right things, said all the right things. Behind closed doors that couldn't have been further from the truth. 

Want to know how a "good kids" life is really going? Look at their fingernails. Are they chewed, ripped, picked? This is a common, socially acceptable coping strategy. Their anxiety is through the roof. Not all kids do this obviously, and some kids who do this have a fantastic home life. Just keep a closer eye on them, they might need someone to talk to but don't have a safe person. Show them  you care. It's the good kids who are suffering in silence. 

Learning to walk through emotions is hard work when all you've known is to suppress them. Allowing yourself to actually sit in it. Have someone walk through it with you. Give it a voice. Write it in a journal. However you need to release it in a healthy productive way. Otherwise it just stays in your body, somewhere and will release at some point because it can't stay.  Mine use to be in a volcanic irruption once or twice a year. I would just get so bottled up that I would spew over something so minor.  Obviously not the reason I was angry but the straw that broke the camel's back so to say.  

Anger. It's a secondary emotion. It's the body's warning sign that something isn't right. There's another feeling under it and your anger is telling you needs to be addressed.  Is it shame, frustration, hurt etc.  Once you identify that emotion just sit with it a minute.  Evaluate yourself and why do you feel that way.  Then talk to your inner self and validate that feeling. "It is hurtful when someone says things to you that aren't true", "It's frustrating when plans get cancelled so often".  Talk to yourself the way you would talk to your best friend who was experiencing that same feeling. 

This is all for today. It's going to be a lifelong journey. I hope for everyone to find the inner peace and joy that life is about. Allow for the healing to begin so we can strive and shine the light to others. 

Until next time, 

Michelle

Here nor There

Hokey Smokes how does so much time go before I realize I haven't kept up to date on here.  Well.  I think I may just revamp this blog once again.  Maybe into more of a journal of crafty things I have been keeping myself busy with.  What say you?  Nothing?  Well then I will take that as a go ahead Michelle do whatever you want, it's your blog after all.  Why thank you made up person in my head for the permission and the unfailing confidence in my decision making.

Sometimes I feel like I've actually lost my mind and I'm now a full blown crazy person.  I think instead of resisting this, I've just come to accept it and go with the flow.  In essence you now get to take a glimpse into the crazy and hopefully have a chuckle, a smile or just a good old shaking the head and say to yourself, well at least I haven't quite lost it like her.  I'm ok with that.

Currently there is a thunder storm taking place outside.  Both my girls are sleeping and my little man is watching a kids show while playing blocks.  Yes a multi-tacker.  He's so advanced.  This morning he had a soccer practice and it was in the rain.  Not bad for the kids playing as they're running around keeping warm.  But for us mama's (and Dads) and the little siblings who are too small to play it was freezing!!! So much so that 4 hours later I'm still wearing socks(This is a very rare occasion as my feet are mini-furnaces).

Ok, so now I have to figure out how to load the pictures on my phone onto here.  I take a picture of all the things I make on my phone so it will just take some creative invest-tigotory work on my part and then I shall share.  Let's face it, pictures are the best part of a blog (in my not so humble opinion anyways).

A Whole Year Later

Howdy blogging world.  Does anyone even come by here any more?  Well in case you have stumbled upon this page I shall try to entertain.  Since the last time I posted I have had another high risk pregnancy which resulted in another beautiful little girl.  We shall call her Fairy.  Why?  Because that's the theme of her bedroom.  She was born weighing 9lbs on the dot.  She has a long name like the other two where their middle names are full of meaning. She was born via c-section. 
Both Sprout and Kiwi love her to bits.  They have both proven to be such amazing older siblings.  Sprout just turned 2 last weekend and she's definitely found her way into the terrible two's already.  She's stubborn, independent, crazy, witty, and so much fun.  She had a Minnie Mouse party in which I shall post some photos of at some point.  
Kiwi turned 4 back in June and he had a Paw Patrol birthday party.  It almost felt like I was cheating as we had his party at an indoor play centre where they did everything for us.  I just brought some snack and cupcakes.  It was fun and enjoyable.  
B has been crazy busy working in our back yard.  He's in the process of building a shed. It will be awesome when it is complete.  
Our summer has consisted of family time and fruit trees and bushes and more fruit and more fruit.  I am not complaining by any means.  It actually makes play time outside really easy for snack time.  Kids ask for a snack and I just ask them what kind they would like.  We have blackberries, raspberries, blueberries, strawberries, snap peas, cherry tomatoes, grapes, Mr. Honeyberry, Mrs. Honeyberry, peaches, more peaches, and cherries.  I have to say that I love that our yard produces so much yumminess.  
I can't believe Kiwi is going to be starting pre-school in just a few short weeks.  He's such a chatty fellow and always making us laugh.  Today we were playing in a cardboard box(empty freezer box) so all 4 of us could fit inside.  While inside I asked them to each come up with one rule.  Kiwi's rule, No pooping or peeing your pants while inside the clubhouse.  Sprouts rule, you must knock.  
Well this just went all over the place.  If you long for more just leave a comment.  If not don't leave a comment. That simple.  
Until next time.
Michelle

Re-vamped

You may or may not have noticed a little change around here.  For instance, an update. But even more so the background and colour scheme.  I felt so uninspired by the way it looked before and knew I just needed a little change.  So here you are.  

So a lot has happened in our world since our last encounter on here.  We have successfully finished potty training Kiwi.  B, Kiwi and Sprout have all had Birthdays and Birthday parties.  Kiwi's was an under water theme and it was so much fun to plan for!  B thinks I'm crazy as I start planning a party well in advance.  The reason I do this is to make it cost effective and sometimes you find awesome party themed items on clearance after Halloween or Christmas so it's good to have a theme well ahead of time so you can find things at a great price? Am I right? Or am I crazy?  Sprout had a Woodland theme party and again it was so much fun to plan.  I did go a little crazy when I decided I would make all the kids a party hat.  I started this project 2 weeks prior to the party....that I have to say was a little crazy but it worked out.  Here are some pictures from both parties:

 I used clear blue shower curtains to create a feeling of being under water. 

 This backdrop is actually a table cloth I found at the dollar store - perfect!  I ordered the balloons that attach to each other from a party store online.  bargainballoons.com

 I love the jelly fish.  They are probably my favourite decoration.  I sewed two streamers together with the tension as high as it could go to create the ruffled effect.  

 The Birthday boy at the fishing pond.  We had 4 games lined up along the wall that the kids could play at their leisure.  And then we played with the parachute(shark attack game) and had a silly string(seaweed) fight. I didn't include those photos only because I don't have permission from the parents of the other kids to post them on my blog.  

 My little mermaid.  Yes I crocheted that tail.  She loves wearing it!

 The bubble cake! This was made with gelatine bubbles and white chocolate mould seashells and brown sugar.  The bubbles were made by dipping water balloons in gelatine mixture and allowing them to dry for 24 hours.  They turned out way better that I had imagined! 

 Sprouts cherry blossom cake with a birds nest.  

 Sugar cookies - owls and foxes. These were such a hit. I should have made more!

 I love the porcupine and the hedgehog!!!  

 Party hats! See I am a little crazy!  But look how sweet they are!

 The dessert table!
And little miss Sprout had a cake all to herself for the classic cake smash.  She was so dainty and didn't get very messy.  

Well I think that catches you up a little for now.  I have a few more post ideas in my head. It's just a matter of writing it down and actually posting it.  I am hoping to be back at this now.  There is a lot coming up that I would like to document.  Have the most wonderful day.  (That's not me being bossy...really choose whatever kind of day you want to have I just hope it's wonderful)